I must apologise to the people of Liverpool. Even though Friday's entry may have appeared to be a fairly relentless assault on the town and people of Eastbourne (none of whom felt the need to complain), I did make a satirical and jokey reference to another town and its inhabitants' lack of humour about themselves. I thought I had cleverly disguised the identity of that town, but a few hawk-eyed and sharp Scousers somehow managed to identify their town from the scant clues available. And a couple of them have apparently taken what was meant to be just a silly and untrue joke slightly seriously. Almost as if I'd been right all along. In reality I have always had fantastic gigs in that town and have a great affection for the place. Unlike Eastbourne which is a shit-hole. But which, remember, I have still received no complaints from thus far and still expect to get none, even though I have called it a shit-hole.
I hope you will accept my written apology Liverpudlians, though I am happy to come up and give each and every one of you a personal expression of regret if that's what it will take to get you back on side.
By the way, I am only joking again here. Just in case you didn't get it.
I don't want to have any more towns in the country which I regard the inhabitants of as my mortal enemies. After all I already have Carlisle and Banbury and that's quite enough mutual hatred for me. And be warned Liverpool, look what has happened in Cumbrian recently. Is it just a coincidence that the one town singled out for the wrath of God happens to be inhabited by Carlislian blasphemers? Is it just a coincidence that the 50 people who came to my gig in Carlisle were not affected by the pestilence of water that engulfed that town (mainly because most of them lived in Newcastle)? Only you can decide.
I know I have had a lot of correspondence from people in Banbury begging me to spare their non-book-about-cocks-loving town from destruction. It may be too late. But if book sales improve Banbury you may not go down in history as the modern day Pompeii.
I don't want to add Liverpool to the cities that must be blighted by disaster, so let's just leave it at this shall we everyone. Because we don't want to see the mawkish displays of grief that such a tragedy would undoubtedly bring out in those misery-wallowing Liverpudlians?
I'm joking.
For Christ's sake it was just a joke!
