I am about to demonstrate to you, at some length, the incredible power Warming Up holds over the British business world. The moguls are quaking in fear in case I insult their companies on here, informing almost 1000 nerds of their inadequacies. They know nerds are an important market, especially as you all have excess money to spend, what with your lack of partners, friends or spending on deodarant etc. Ha ha, I am funny.
About two weeks ago I decided to send my manager, evil Jon Thoday, a gift. This was to serve both as a late Christmas present and also a late get well gift. I am sure producers and TV executives everywhere were sorry to hear that Jon had been laid low by pneumonia before Christmas and like me wished him a speedy recovery. Probably like me they didn't get round to sending him a gift though.
Anyway, I visited www.lastminute.com to select something, concluding, not unreasonably given their name, that they would be able to deliver something pretty fast. I selected my item (though I can't tell you what it was in case Jon reads this) and paid my money and expected to get an email from Jon or his assistant the next day thanking me for my time-delayed generosity.
It was five days before I got an email from Jon's assistant, Alison, thanking me for the late Christmas present I had ordered for her at the same time. There had been a weekend in the middle of this, but I was a bit disappointed that it had taken so long. I assumed that maybe lastminute.com meant they would actually deliver at the last possible minute, preferrably at the dawn of the Apocolypse itself. I emailed back and asked if the package for Jon had arrived, but Alison informed me it hadn't. I emailed lastminute.com asking them what was going on. They replied,
"Hello,
Thank you for your email.... we are currently investigating this with the supplier, and
will get back to you within the next 3 working days with an update. In the meantime, if your gift does arrive, I would appreciate it if you
would let me know.
Thank you again for writing to us.
Regards,
Jaideep Chakraborty
Customer Services Team
lastminute.com"
Today three working days had passed and still no gift had arrived (almost a fortnight after I had ordered it). Alison checked that the gift was not hidden in the post room somewhere, but it was nowhere to be seen. I emailed lastminute.com again, saying,
"This item has still not arrived. This is really unacceptable. Could you please let me know what is going on and also organise compensation. It is an important gift for a business contact and I used last minute.com because I thought it would provide a reliable next day delivery.
Please let me know what compensation you propose and ensure that the gift arrives tomorrow at the latest."
Jon Thoday is an important business contact. I rely on him for all my work. If I don't get him a Christmas/get well gift he can ensure I never work in this town again, and I will only be able to work in Eastbourne.
The email response I got to this was not entirely satisfactory. Here it is:
"Hello Richard,
I certainly understand your concern about the gift.
Please note that the delay is from the supplier's end. We are chasing this matter with the supplier and have not yet received any satisfactory response from them.
However, I have updated my colleague with the information you have provided us.
Kindly bear with us for another 2 working days and I can assure you that we will surely update you with the status.
In the meantime, your patience and understanding in this matter would be highly appreciated.
Kind regards,
Hari Thukral
Customer Services Team
lastminute.com"
Well they said they would update me in 3 days before and they hadn't. And now I was going to have to wait another two days. Also they had ignored my request for compensation. I was annoyed. I wrote back,
"And how do you plan to recompense me for this extreme inconvenience? Given that I paid for next day delivery? I have used lastminute.com several times and I do not accept that you can blame the supplier for this problem if I bought the item from your website.
I suggest you still deliver the gift asap and give me a full refund. Given the name and ethos of your website I do not think that this request is unreasonable Please pass this on to your supervisor. R Herring"
That was a bit snotty. I thought that would do the trick. I punted for full compensation as well, but only as an extreme way to start the bargaining.
I got this reply,
"Hello Mr. Herring,
Thank you for your email.
Please note that we are in constant touch with the supplier. However, we have still not received any update from them.
We will get back to you with all the necessary information within 2 working days.
I appreciate your patience in this matter.
Regards,
Megha Sharma
Customer Services Team
lastminute.com"
It was at this point that I began to think that the lastminute.com customer service team might be located on the Indian sub-continent and also that they had a template that they used to respond to most criticisms. I had been dealt with by three different people and it seemed they weren't really answering my query or looking back at previous emails. I also did not like having my patience appreciated when I clearly had none.
So I wrote back,
"I am being very patient aren't I?
I am also asking you a question that you can answer, which is what compensation do you propose to give me for this total balls-up?
Please do your best to answer that one, as well as forwarding my emails to your superior. I am a professional comedian and I intend to write about this dialogue on my weblog which is read by 1000 computer users a day. (www.richardherring.com) So don't ask me to be patient again. I will be patient about the gift, but I don't think I need to be patient about what recompense you propose to give me.
I look forward to a reply from you or preferably someone who can tell me about compensation. Please note the more emails it takes you take to reply to this query, the funnier it becomes and the worse www.lastminute.com will look. Thanks for your time. Richard Herring"
Yeah, that wouold show them. 1000 nerds who would never use their website again. I am mad with power. The next email I got from them would surely see them quaking in their boots.
No.
Here it is,
"Hello Richard,
Thank you for your email.
I am sorry, but as you would appreciate, we have not had a reply from the supplier yet, further to our follow-up regarding your concern.
I will continue to chase this up for you, and I expect a response from them within the next 3 working days. I will contact you with an update or the resolution at this time.
I apologise for the time taken to resolve your concern.
Your continued patience is appreciated.
Regards,
Priya
Customer Services Team
lastminute.com"
So not only had they failed to read my email, still banging on about the supplier, still appreciating my patience, still not offering compensation, but they had actually added another working day to the time it would take to respond to my question. I suspect they were trying to grind me down into submission. But I would not be shut up. I have a weblog read by almost a thousand nerds.
I wrote back,
"Yes, you don't seem to be answering my question do you. I know you are chasing up the supplier (incidentally you already had 3 working days to do this and now you seem to want another 3). My question to you is about what compensation I am going to receive from you for the crap-up. I asked you not to ask for my continued patience, and yet you still seem to be doing so.
I suspect you are not a human being, in which case it's going to be difficult to get a response. Can you please ask your boss to ring me on 0xxxxxxxxxx to try and resolve this? In a way I am glad that you continue to ignore me as it will make my write up of the incident on my website more amusing and make www.lastminute.com look more rubbish than ever. I look forward to hearing from you with the same answer as you've just given Rich Herring"
Then I went off to do my gig in Bristol, which went pretty well. On my return this email was waiting in my inbox,
"Hello Rich,
Thank you for your email.
We pride ourselves in being focused on customers like you who make our company successful. I apologise that your experience with us has not been consistent with that philosophy. I hope that you will consider this error as just an aberration and give us another chance to serve you better.
I would like to inform you that we have not yet received any reply from the supplier regarding the status of your order. Please note that I have discussed this matter with my supervisor and we are chasing this matter with the supplier on priority.
Further, in order to compensate for the inconvenience you have
experienced due to non-receipt of your order, we would like to offer you a refund of 5.00 GBP and also for the delivery charges for an amount of
3.99 GBP (Total-8.99 GBP).
Please be assured that I have forwarded refund request to the Refunds department. Due to time involved in the refund process, we will get back to you within 7 working days.
However, we will try out level best to resolve your matter at the earliest and we will update you with an outcome with 48 hours.
Kindly bear with us while we work to resolve this matter.
Regards,
Hari Thukral
Customer Services Team
lastminute.com"
Yes! Result! Witness the influence of Warming Up. Nerd Power! Five pounds plus postage. Let's ignore the fact that I'm a professional writer and would expect more money than that for that many words.
At least this was a response from someone who had actually read what I'd writted (but at the second time of trying Hari). Though I would have preferred it if they called me Mr Herring.
I would love to claim that my gift for Jon Thoday only cost £5, but alas it was more than this. And the gift still hasn't been delivered. But maybe it will be there in time for next Christmas, or hopefully Jon Thoday will get seriously ill again and it will arrive promptly for that.
But at least no-one appreciated my patience by the end of this.
Should you shop with www.lastminute.com? I will leave you to make up your own mind on that one....
But no, you shouldn't.
