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Boris Johnson has not given up on trying to help the people of this country. He is just as committed now, as his reign comes to an unjustified end, as he has ever been. Today’s advice was get rid of your old energy-inefficient kettle and buy a new one. It will cost you £20, but you will save £10 a year on energy bills and so you will pay off the new kettle in 2 years and then be able to enjoy a free £10 a year from then on. Sadly after two years your new kettle will be old and have to be replaced. But at least you will have broken even.
It was just the kind of Top Tip we needed at a time when energy bills are going up by thousands of pounds a year. And it shows this old Etonian has the common touch.
I have some tips to help you too - disconnect your toilets from the sewage system and just shit directly into the sea. Reduce your water rates and cut out the middle man. I live about 50 miles from the sea, so it’s going to take some planning, but if I run there and back then my shit will be entirely free, plus the heat from the exercise will mean I don’t have to pay so much to heat my home. And I probably won’t ever be in anyway. If I put a tea bag in my armpit as a go then it will probably make a nice free cup of tea out of my sweat too.
It’s good we are coming up with all this stuff now, rather than thinking about any of it twenty years ago and getting a system in place that can cope with the changing world we’re living in.
My only fear is that people will stop using their heating, which will slow down global warming and mean we don’t arrive at a place where we no longer require heating because it’s way too hot outside.
The government claimed that Johnson was not giving advice on saving money, but using a metaphor to explain why spending money on nuclear energy now would be a good thing in the long run. If so, that explanation seems to have got lost and been ignored by the people gleefully enjoying the (possibly) out of context statement. Because truth no longer matters. That’s another of Johnson’s legacies, so it would be fitting if in this case he is the victim rather than the perpetrator.
I finally weighed myself after my return from the Fringe and it was not great news. The inevitable yoyo continues and nearly all the hard work of last year is undone. But I will keep trying. You know that. You’ve been here for 20 years. We started watching Severance about a society where people’s minds are manipulated so they remember nothing of their life when they are at work and nothing of their work when they leave, so they are essentially two people. That’s me and trying to be healthy. One of me running round the fields of Hertfordshire (I managed a 5km run today, made harder by the fact that the fields I went though had recently been ploughed and the pathways were gone and I had to negotiate loose soil for a good kilometre) the other eating entire packs of chocolate buttons and flying from the sugar high, but feeling embarrassed that he has such a pathetic addiction. But after today I have kicked my chocolate button habit. And just because I’ve said that repeatedly over the last 20 years, that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
Perhaps you prefer your ventriloquism in confusing audio only. Well you’re in luck.
Head here.
