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As a 55 year old man there are some things that you wish you could back - like a non-hurting back, basic sexual attractiveness and a brain that doesn’t forget basic facts or what you were doing when you walked into this room. But the thing I’d most like back is the ability to sleep through the night without having to wake up for a wee. Just one night of eight hours of uninterrupted sleep would make me happier than anything. But even if my kids don’t wake me up at some point (and Ernie is at a stage where he gets scared in the night and comes and sleeps in our bed at about 2am - I remember going through the same thing, loving being in between my mum and dad in their bed, but still sensing the awkwardness from them at the imposition. I suppose it was a bit weird. I was 28 years old at the time) I ALWAYS need to get up to urinate. At least twice and usually more. It’s a part of being an old man, but it’s a part I’d like to do without.
And last night I almost got my wish. I went to sleep at about 10.30pm and didn’t wake up until 5am, at which point I thought for a few minutes that I didn’t even need a wee and nearly went back to sleep. This could be it. But I was thinking about why I didn’t need a wee and couldn’t sleep and then realised it was because I did need a wee. So I had a wee. And then was too awake to get back to sleep. So so close to the perfect night, but ruined by a) the wee and b) waking up too early.
I have to accept that (until I have some sort of bag that takes care of my wee for me or fall into a coma) that I am never going to experience that wonderful bliss of an 8 hour sleep or Heaven forbid the kind of luxurious twelve hour sleep that I must have had as a teenager. And of all the lost things from my youth this is the one that hurts most.
I can’t wait for that infinite sleep of death. That’s when I am going to be happiest.
I finished two books today, both very different, but excellent. “Murder at Crime Manor” by Fergus Craig, a parody book written by his character Martin Fishback, which is awful (as intended) but actually surprisingly gripping. One might have thought that the joke wouldn’t stretch this far, but it really does. I was laughing at loud from the very first line, but also desperate to find out whodunnit!
And I finished listening to Janina Ramirez’s Femina, which really makes you think about how history comes from the perspective and prejudices of the historian, but still manages to take a deep dive into the lives of some of the women that history has not completely ignored. I think I knew about Margery Kempe before (I have forgotten nearly as much as I have learned), but she basically invented the autobiography, but we only have a copy of her book by lucky chance. You never know whose voice will survive down the ages to be studied by historians. But if you’re reading this in 2650 then hello and you’re welcome for this rich document full of the details that most historians missed out on, not being so obsessed with bodily functions and yoghurt purchases as I was. I really need someone to print the whole thing up and hide it in a cupboard at a stately home to beat the ravages of time though. One of the good and bad things about the digital age is that most of our documents will disappear if and when there is any kind of widespread catastrophe. But if you’re reading this in the future and there’s the technology to send stuff back in time, then maybe just drop me an email to let me know.
RHLSTP with Sanjeev Kohli is now up wherever you get your podcasts -
like here. He’s a great guy, very funny and excellent value if you want to follow him on Twitter @govindajeggy
