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Gradually getting used to having a new person in our house. Smithers and Liono (especially Liono) are less happy about it. They can’t come in our bedroom any more and Liono is taking the snub badly. I don’t think Smithers has any idea of what is going on or that anything has changed, but Liono is sulking.
I got ripped from deep sleep a couple of times to deal with nappies and as my wife is the source of food there are more demands on her. But I still managed enough shut eye to get through the day. I took Phoebe downstairs so that Catie could sleep uninterrupted and had a lovely couple of hours holding her and singing stupid made up songs to her. I have a need to perform in my life, but the danger is that now I have this captive audience of one (and it’s a one that I really want to entertain), I will get all that nonsense out of me at home and no longer be able to make a living.
Today she got alternative improvised verses to the song “Riding on a donkey”. I really tried hard to come up with top rhymes for different place names, that I would throw at myself unexpectedly at the last minute. I don’t think she can even really differentiate singing from any other sound, or my face from the wall, but I had the best alone time with my brilliant daughter. My wife’s DNA seems to have won through in terms of facial features and limb length, but I am proud to say that my daughter has inherited my farting ability. With training she could be a true master.
I am really liking being a dad though. I think it’s maybe what I should have been all along. Well, not for the first nine years of my life, but after that. And I am wondering if my “career” as a comedian has in fact just been protracted training for fatherhood. And the good news for me is that when you’re a dad your comedy is meant to be a bit crap. Which was always a drawback when I was a comedian.
I mean, I know it’s early days and that after a week of being ripped from sleep I may feel differently. There’s going to be lots of challenges to overcome and I am looking forward to the adventure. Though still it doesn’t feel real. I look at my wife and almost jump when I see the baby on her lap. I thought it would become real when she had finally arrived. But it’s still too surreal, though now it’s got a nice trippy element of bubbling joy to it all.
The midwife came round and reassured us that we weren’t doing anything badly wrong, the things that Phoebe was doing we normal and that she’s fit and well. It’s more than easy to panic and think you’re getting it wrong or that the sound from the cot heralds imminent death. But we’re not doing badly for people with no training or qualifications. We shall blunder onwards. I thought it was a parent’s job to teach, but I now realise it’s mainly about learning. I am going to get way more from this than I can ever hope to give to Phoebe. I just hope she appreciates my funny and rude song lyrics at some point.
And I still managed to get to my office and do a good two to three hours of solid work - as much or more as I would have achieved on one of my regular pre-Phoebe days.
What an incredible week. I’ve been so blown away by all that’s been going on that despite having remembered to buy my wife a Valentine’s gift (and boy does she deserve one this time round?), I had totally forgotten about the Ferrero Rocher thing. Someone mentioned it on Twitter and I couldn’t believe it had totally slipped my mind. I thought that perhaps giving my wife a baby is equal to 128 Rochers, but I knew I was kidding myself. It might be time to stop this out of control madness though. Or to reduce my obligation to the original contract that promised one Rocher a year. But not yet. I went on the internet and ordered enough to cover this year’s chocolate tax.
The truth is that Catie doesn’t really like Ferrero Rochers all that much. I mean she likes them, she’ll happily eat them, but they’re not her favourite. She’s getting six boxes of them this weekend. She is the real victim here.
My new podcast, which will accompany the Lord of the Dance Settee tour is now up. Find out how I broke a caravan window with a wank (I thought I hadn’t told this story before, but apparently it was in As It Occurs To Me - sorry).
Contains no massive spoilers for the show - it's stuff that didn't make it into the stage show, my motivations behind it, discussion of the secret themes and new stories. Might put in some clips from performances if anything unusual happens. Hopefully be doing it weekly during the tour, so it's a sort of backstage extra (and obviously promotional thing which might persuade you to come to see the show)
It's on the British Comedy Guide Or subscribe on iTunes All for free as usual.
