6857/19777
Getting my hair cut today so I look sexy for the Taskmaster next week and I popped into Caffe Nero beforehand to do some writing. The queue was moving very slowly, partly because there were only two trainee baristas working (who was training them?) and partly because they had had some problems with their dishwasher and there was no clean plates. The man at the front of the queue seemed very affronted by this inconvenience. I am not sure but I think he refused to buy a toasted sandwich if it wasn’t going to be delivered on a plate. He certainly handed it back.
His order was still quite large and the transaction took ages. I was only three customers back but was waiting for ten minutes and I blame the bolshy man rather than the polite staff who were doing their best. Finally the man got all his stuff, though pastries were in bags rather than on plates and he was still cross about this. Is a paper bag not a kind of recyclable plate?
The man got a loyalty card and got his stamps. I didn’t quite hear what he said, but I assume it was “I want two extra stamps to make up for the lack of plates.” The trainee barista laughed nervously. Perhaps he thought the man was being ridiculous. Perhaps he was just scared of the aggression coming from this late middle-aged man who really loved eating off proper plates. “I’m serious,” said the man seriously, to make it extra clear that he was serious, “There were no plates.”
The trainee barista had no guidance as what to do in these circumstances, so gave the man his two extra stamps to make this weirdness end. The indignant man had gained 2/9ths of a cup of coffee thus giving himself a reduction of maybe 50p on a future purchase (though he’d need to buy 7 more overpriced coffees to get there so maybe it was not the victory he seemed to believe).
The man walked away proudly. He had been the victim of a terrible injustice, but at least he’d held up everyone else and got his sweet reward. I guess when you’re dining out at an establishment like Caffe Nero and are trying to impress your wife of 40 years, that you expect certain standards and if those standards aren’t met then you require some satisfaction.
Never mind if everyone else in the cafe thinks you’re a cunt. You’re a cunt with two more stamps than you should legally have. And no one can take them away from you.
Meanwhile I got a bonus stamp for bringing my own cup in with me. I wish I'd bought a plate as well now.
RHLSTP with Stevie and Tessa from the Nobody Panic podcast is now up wherever you get your pods (
like here)
They sat down in the photo so that I wouldn’t feel like a hobbit amongst the elven folk.
