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I got the bus into town as I was bunking off work early to see both parts of the Harry Potter play. As you know, I don’t particularly like Harry Potter, but my wife is a huge fan and I was interested to see how they’d stage it and justify making it last five hours long.
An email pinged into my phone as I waited for the bus
It was titled “Bitter Man” and The author read
"Forever in SL’s shadow. Forever namedropping him to justify your act with credibility.
Your Cheddar boat sailed years ago……..”
The author had at least emailed under their own name. Though it was an odd missive to send at 8am. Perhaps he’d dreamed about me or been unable to sleep thinking of my bitterness and lack of success compared to “SL” whoever that was.
This stuff doesn’t hurt me. I have more self-awareness than most, but also an understanding of how much I have achieved in a competitive market-place, but more importantly I am pretty happy with my lot. I wasn’t always, but I wouldn’t swap places with anyone right now, unless I was granted 24 hours to live inside the body of Rebecca from Let’s Play. Only so she’d have to live in mine in return and at some point in that day would need the toilet and so I would be able to say that Rebecca from Let’s Play had touched my willy. Plus I could find out what it’s like to be in Let’s Play. If they were filming that day. Which I would insist they would be. And it would add an extra level of irony to that episode that I was playing at being Rebecca as she played at being a chambermaid, which I would also insist on. I don’t know how many conditions you can lay down on this stuff.
Other body swappers can fuck off. This is the only one I am interested in. And then I want to be me again after.
I had five minutes before the bus arrived and strongly believe that people only strike out at strangers in this way because of something going on in their lives and a possible belief that there will be someone else dealing with the emails (or they won’t get read). I thought I’d just give him an honest reply with ridiculous speed-
I wrote,
"Hope you’re well.
Funny you can see the joke when Stew does it, but think it’s real when I do.
I am very content with the way things have turned out and delighted by Stew’s deserved success
Credibility? I’m sorry to burst the bubble.
Shall we be friends now? Tell me a bit about yourself
Rich”
Sure enough this seemed to do the trick as my correspondent turned on a sixpence and wrote
"Hi Richard
Thanks for the prompt response. Yes we can be friends.
I always thought you were the more talented btw. That curmudgeonly twat never mentions you in his own act. I think I’d like you more if you resented his success more.”
It’s rare that the internet can be used to change minds and maybe the obvious thing to do when someone strikes out at you from nowhere is to strike back. But mostly, I think, people are just bored or sad or venting and don’t mean a thing they say (good or bad).
I get it. There are celebrities that I just hate because of the way they talk or because they don’t do the job the way I think they should. I don’t think I’d ever contact them directly to let them know about my fairly redundant and objective opinion. I sometimes joke about them in my act though.
Anyway me and this bloke who thinks I am in the shadow of SL, but still better than him (which I can agree with to be honest) is now my penpal. And I hope we can be great friends and that he might be best man at my second wedding.
I was a bit ill and tired and the theatre was warm and I nearly fell asleep a few times, and the play is very childish (it’s all about magic and stuff which a 51 year old man like me knows is almost certainly nonsensical), but it was more enjoyable than 90% of theatre I’ve seen and the many hours flew by (and not just cos I was asleep, because I never quite was). I am not sure it needed to be two plays, but why get £75 off every person when you can get £150. It involved time travel and without the rigour that I require from drama (some things changed, others didn’t) but without giving too much away (well giving a bit away, so stop reading now if you don’t want to know), the first play ends in spectacular fashion in a world where Harry Potter is dead and Voldermort won that battle and there are death eaters swooping down on the audience (it is AMAZING) and I would have LOVED it if that had been the end. I mean, I don’t think any Harry Potter fans would have been satisfied with it, but how incredible would it have been if they’d made that call?
Of course I could have made that the end by not going to see the second play and refusing to acknowledge its existence. And I was poorly enough to consider that as an option, but I rallied after some dinner and had to witness the glorious future being snuffed out. But at least that timeline exists somewhere and there is a chance that I can get to it and live in it. Admittedly as a Muggle who will probably be murdered by an evil wizard. But if Harry Potter and his stupid friends and family are dead it’s a small price to pay.
If you like Harry Potter, you will love this play - my wife had the time of her life. If you hate Harry Potter then save yourself some money and only come to the first play. It's nice of them to think of everyone.
I wish I’d written Harry Potter. Thank God that bloke this morning didn’t choose to compare me to JK Rowling. I’d have had nothing.
