I arrived at the Forest Mere Health Farm at around 3. Within the hour I was in the middle of my first treatment no hot and cold stones just yet, you have to build up to the sexual assault gently Thalassotherapy. Essentially this is like a gigantic Jacuzzi, but the water is imbued with various chemicals that supposedly open up your pores and extract toxins and make you a better person. I am as you will no doubt see a little cynical about many of the things that go on in health farms. The girlfriend I used to come here with was a bit new-agey and so I ended up being involved in some of the crankier things that go on here (like having my penis touched by a middle-aged man who was pretending that stones could help line up my chakras) including an electrical allergy test in which I had to hold glass vials containing various foodstuffs and would then have a gentle current passed through me and a machine would tell me if I was allergic to the thing in the vial. The fact that glass does not conduct electricity did not seem to matter to the person running this test who confidently told me I was pretty much allergic to everything I like (in fact the results tallied so closely with my personal favourite foodstuffs that I began to wonder if there was something in this after all). On another occasion we had a tai chi class with a woman who claimed that she could see spirits. She told my girlfriend and me that we both shared the same spirit guide who was predictably a Red Indian (I felt faintly embarrassed to have such a clichéd spirit guide, as I would have preferred something unexpected like a nineteenth century accountant). She said that he (sorry I forget his name, but expect it was Running Bear or something, given the paucity of the imagination of this mental old lady) had been trying to get us together for years and was delighted that we had now found each other (he obviously hadnt been trying that hard as wed been in the same room at least once before we got together and he hadnt even introduced us). He was there in the room watching us doing tai chi quite badly and smiling to himself. Now I am back here I wonder how old Running Bear feels given that me and that girlfriend are no longer together. After all his work in hooking us up, we go and blow it by arguing a lot and not really being compatible. I wonder which of us he favours now that we have gone our separate ways, or does he just split his time between us? Youd think he would probably favour her as she seemed to believe in him and the kind of stuff that he probably usually does whilst I dont think he is real and give his entire credo short shrift (I must be an annoying person to be a spirit guide for, given the almost entire absence of spirituality in me), but maybe Running Bear likes a challenge. Having said that he isnt doing a very good job of making my spiritual life run smoothly at the moment, so fuck him. I am glad the European settlers destroyed him and his entire civilisation, but at least admire him for agreeing to help the descendants of the people who wiped out his culture.
Anyway, a young, slightly bored looking South African man explained to us why Thlassotherapy works and why it isnt just a big Jacuzzi. The mineral make up of the water is similar to that in your blood was, I think, one of the things he claimed., though he also said it was similar to sea-water. In fact, he continued, Thalasso is Greek for sea therapy.
I felt like chipping in and saying, So Thalssotherapy is sea therapy therapy, but I decided to let it go.
Anyway whatever the truth the Thlassotherapy was quite invigorating. Its fun having water shot at you from all different angles, whatever its chemical composition and I enjoyed it, even though no-one tried to touch my penis at any point (though I did get my testicles too close to one of the water jets which provided me some momentary discomfort).
It is already feeling good to be away from everything and I have relaxed and cheered up a good deal. Theres a lot of distractions, but they are healthier than the ones I have at home and I am confident that I will be in the right frame of mind tomorrow to make massive leaps with my work (just look at how the quality of Warming Up has suddenly improved after a very noticeable bad patch). Plus I have another treatment to look forward to
