7216/19736
I went to a church service this morning for the first time in a good while. I thought I was just going to a christening, but the christening was part of the full service, so we ended up tricked into a full hour of religion. Would I come out brainwashed and believing in God? Not this time Jahweh. Good try mate.
It was a strange sensation to be back amongst the religious. It brought back memories of having to go to dull services as a child and the Reverend Denman admonishing us for saying that it was right to give thanks to God (which we’d been made to read out of the service book) and spitting out “It’s not only right, it is our duty!” I don’t think he had to read it that way, like we were stupid idiots for not realising that, but this would later become a small routine in Christ on a Bike. Today’s rather less severe vicar didn’t use that line. Perhaps my biting satire forced the church to reconsider and edit the book.
The whole thing felt less oppressive than the church visits of my childhood and everyone was friendly and welcoming. The little girl getting christened is fun and sparky and was talking loudly and running round the church. She liked it all, apart from the admittedly weird bit where the vicar pours loads of water on her head, but she even recognised that as funny once it had happened.
An hour in a church doesn’t seem quite as long as endless a time to a 55 year old as it did to a 5 year old and hardly any of what we sat through was offensive, though we were a little unsettled by Boris Johnson and his family featuring in the prayers, in the hope that God would help them through this difficult time. I would hope that God has his eye on Johnson and is prepping arrangements for his eternity after this life of not upholding religious values (damn I am going to be in the same place as him, what a punishment), but it struck me that these prayers are just the ancient version of concerned tweets. It’s easy to shoot out a tweet or a prayer for the people of Pakistan or the Ukraine, in the hope that that is enough for some other force to do something about it. It still seems odd to be asking for help from a being that at the very least has the ability to stop the horrible things happening and arguably allowed them to happen in the first place. It’s all a bit X factor. If enough people vote for God to help the people of Pakistan (via prayer) then he’ll intervene? Or maybe he’s not really paying attention and it’s only by us nudging him that he’ll even realise what has been going on. Please help the people of Pakistan, God.
Why, what’s happened? Shit. Why did no one tell me about this before?
The prayers seem to have as much effect as the concerned tweets. I checked the news after the service and the floor waters were still there and the war in Ukraine had not been resolved. Maybe it’s my fault. I didn’t join in with the prayers.
There were some new hymns that I hadn’t heard before, but we did get to do a couple of school assembly favourites - Sing Hosanna, which is nicely upbeat and more fun than most and also allowed every school child in the world to either accidentally or deliberately add an additional “of Kings” to the final line.
Another hit from the 1970s assemblies at Fairlands Middle School was “Oh Jesus I have Promised” which we sang with
the jaunty modern tune (this brass band version is not upbeat enough, but that's the tune) rather than
the dour one of old. It was a ray of light in the dullness and we sang with gusto. I hoped we’d get the new tune rather than the old tune today, but instead it was a third tune that I hadn’t heard being used for this hymn before.
Maybe it was this one (but I think that might actually be a fourth version). Why has this song got so many different tunes? Especially when one of the tunes is indisputably the greatest hymn tune ever.
Oh Jesus I Have Promised does neatly sum up the problem with religion - that we are supposedly going to be punished for following our natural instincts (that presumably God instilled in us) and are forced to repress them, even though that clearly leads to more problems in the long run
“I see the sights that dazzle
The tempting sounds I hear” (I wonder what those sounds are - I can only think of other people having sex as being something that might tempt you to sin, but that implies you’re listening at people’s key holes, which is surely already a worse sin than just making love with someone you like)
“My foes are every near me
Around me and within”
This is the killer line. You’re not only surrounded by other sinners, but sin is inescapable because it’s inside you. So what fucking chance does that give you? If the way you are inside is definitely always wrong regardless, then surely the logical thought is that the laws you’re living your life by, that run counter to your instinctive desires, are the things that are screwed up. But we keep trying to bash the square peg through the round hole and blame ourselves for falling short of the rules (even though the rules say we definitely will anyway) rather than the rules for setting up an unrealistic and twisted version of what being a human is. The hymn even warns of the storms of passion and the murmurs of self-will. Ignore the voices that tell you to be yourself and follow the Boris Johnson loving herd.
Jesus, it believes, is our master and our friend. Not two jobs that usually align and he seems more into the punishing us for not following his exact instruction, rather than laughing off us getting pissed and sleeping with someone we probably shouldn't have done, like a mate would do.
Masters might want to appear to be your friend, but when it comes down to it, they never are.
The Christians were very nice though. If this all makes them happy then that’s their choice. We all believe in crazy made up shit to get just though this inexplicable life. We all tweet our concern and hope that that’s enough.
