Warming Up

My son hardly ever eats all his food. On holiday he asked for sausage and mash at a pub and was brought a plate with four sausages on it. “You’ll never finish all those sausages,” I told him. “If you do I will give you five hundred pounds.”

As it turns out all it takes for my kids to eat all their food is an OTT financial incentive. He ate them all up like a machine and wanted his winnings. Today we went to London to spend his money (we managed to talk him down from the lofty figure of £500, but he negotiated that we share the amount he received with his sister - luckily he doesn’t really understand numbers).

We made a day of it - heading off early so we could be amongst the first at the Science Museum. We got to the station fifteen minutes early and were feeling good about how great we were, even better when we got to the machine and discovered that our kids would be travelling for one pound each (Ernie goes free for another month and the child’s ticket with railcard was £2). Then the machine we were buying our tickets from decided to go wrong and just print one of the batch before packing in. The lady in the ticket office was on cover and didn’t know how to print up free tickets - we were eating up valuable time and looked like we might miss the train-  but we finally ascertained that the amount taken from my bank account was only pending and so bought fresh tickets. She charged us for Ernie, which I didn’t realise too late and the kids tickets suddenly cost £3, but for some reason Catie’s ticket was £4 less than the one I had bought from the machined, so it came out in the wash. Unless we get charged twice.

We got to the train with two minutes to spare and then it was five minutes late.

We were back on course. 

We got to the Science Museum at ten minutes to opening time and there was already an impressive queue, so we didn’t feel quite so clever. Then a woman came down the line to ask if we had tickets. We had never had to have tickets before and thought the museum was free, but she said it wasn’t a problem and directed us to a different area with a board with a QR code so we could get the free tickets on our phone. We thought we’d lost our place in the queue as a result and asked if we had to go back in the queue. The woman said no and directed us to the front of this additional area so that when the doors opened we milled in with the people who had presumably been queuing for half an hour, and way in front of all the people who had known what was going on and had diligently booked their tickets before setting out. It didn’t seem very fair. But we took this win gratefully and without too much guilt. We headed straight for the Wonderlab on the 3rd floor and were the first people there by some distance. We bought tickets and had a go on two or three of the displays before anyone got there. We were so nearly losers today despite our efficiency and then became winners because of our inefficiency. There’s no such thing as karma. Only reverse karma. The good are punished and the bad rewarded. Now the world makes more sense.

The Science Museum was lots of fun, especially for this early period when footfall was very light (it didn’t get too busy later, but it was great to not have to queue for anything). There was a very professional show of light, sound and matter in the theatre with an assured host, though I was reminded that my friend Mackay had worked here back in the 90s when he was a struggling actor, playing Michael Faraday (amongst others) and realised that the place is probably still staffed with the stars of the future (Mackay went on to be the Professor in Time Gentlemen Please and then after having played the ultimate part decided to leave the profession for there were no more worlds to conquer).

The kids were a bit scared by the noisy and legitimately scary electricity generator that looked like something made by Dr Frankingstein and sent sparks flying across it, but apart from that they were into pretty much everything. Highly recommended - and if you live in London the annual pass is very good value.

Then we tubed across town to Hamleys for the kids to spend their winnings. Gambling pays. If someone offers you money to eat sausages then eat the sausages. Win win. We went through all the many floors and the kids were remarkably restrained, but we got sucked in by the young women demonstrating toys and ended up getting some wheels that you can attach to your shoes and some crafty stuff, so everyone was a winner.

We were holding it together remarkably well and I was surprised that I wasn’t wilting, though I nearly gave up the will to live when we got to Oxford Circus to find signs telling us that the entrance was closed so to use the one across the road. But in a terrific prank that could have left us stuck there for days had we not realised in time, each corner entrance had the same message. So we had to walk down to Piccadilly Circus and that was almost a bridge too far. We had to carry Ernie for much of it. But we made it.

The plan had been to go to get some clothes and shoes for school once we were back in Welwyn, but I thought that that was insane after all we’d been through. It was Bank Holiday for Gods sake. We were pushing ourselves too far. Catie seemed pretty insistent that we should do this today rather than pop back on another morning and though I am not sure if she’s a genius or insane or both, I went along with it. I’ve bought kids’ shoes before. I know how much stress it involves. 

It took ages and we had to wait almost an hour for our turn, but we got a big bag of clothes and new shoes and still managed the walk back to the car and the drive home (though it’s all a blur to me now). Even by the standards of this summer holiday this had been a full on day - and definitely the most expensive one (as long as you ignore the costs of being at the Fringe), but we got through it without a cross word and only a minimum of sarcasm. So well done us.

Two of the London RHLSTPs are now sold out. Both of these (and any more that sell out in the theatre) will be live streamed for a very reasonable price. So if you want to see Sally Phillips, Reece Shearsmith, Bob Mortimer and the Socially Distant Sports Bar in the comfort of your own home - BOOK HERE 

Probably my favourite RHLSTP of the Edinburgh run is now up. It's with timkey. Listen here.