I am re-iPhoned. Let's see how long I can hold on to this one. The new one is lovely. I don't care about the old one, I never truly loved it. It was just a phase. I only love my new one. This time this is for real. Now, no stealing it for a "funny" joke.
You won't be able to. I have decided to attach it to my genitals with a big piece of string so if anyone tries to steal it they'll have to really tug at it and the more they try, the better it is for me. Until my genitals are wrenched off.
I had the best preview yet up in King's Heath (or King Sheath as I renamed it, I would imagine unoriginally) in Birmingham. The crowd were up for it from the start and I dropped what I had considered the more crowd pleasing routines that didn't really fit into the show (the invite to the celebrity party and the story of my time writing the BT phone book) and just got on with the moustache based humour.
I occasionally tape the shows and then never listen back to them, but I didn't even record tonight's which is a shame because I really hit my stride and adlibbed some funny stuff that will doubtless be lost for alway now.
I had a go at telling the iPhone story and it went extremely well. I think it could be a centrepiece of the show. It certainly demonstrates the stupidity of having this moustache as well as covering a lot of the themes. It was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. As I suppose I had realised almost straight away I am more than going to make the value of that phone back through recounting the tale (The gadget magazine T3 have also commissioned me to write an article about it which will help me claw back some of my losses). I feel I owe the thief a cut. If you're reading this mate then please get in touch and we'll sort out a deal.
Don't worry I promise I won't dob you into the police.
Honest.
Though the police are very much on the case and I am seriously beginning to wonder if they are acting in awe and worship of my nasal welcome mat (thanks to the guy who tweeted me that phrase, which I will now pass off as my own). I got a follow up call today and they're going to look through the CCTV images and now have the IMEI number of the lost phone and have said that there's a chance it might turn up as they often stop local kids and check out that info.
I don't want it back though. I have a new wife now. Don't want the old one turning up and embarrassing me. Though it might be useful to have it as a back up if the new one gets nicked too. There will be no humour or routine in losing a second phone. Then I just become a dick. A dick without a phone. And without a dick if the thief pulls hard enough.
I am though, as you can see, a jammy, jammy fucker. Something bad happens to me and it is still to my advantage. As long as it's a new bad thing that hasn't happened before. I even make myself sick.
It's a good bit though.
As I drove home I felt excited and exhilarated about the new show. Every year I worry that I might not be able to match up to what has gone before and there's no way of being sure yet, but I think this could be the best one yet. There's a Hell of a lot going on in it and it's a little bit incredible that I dropped two of the funnier routines today and that that made things better and I still had way too much to say.
I have mentioned this many times before but it feels like every six months or so I think I've made a leap forward and decide that I have finally got it and am now a proper comedian at the top of my game, but then more time passes and I realise I didn't know fuck up six months before and I am only starting to get somewhere now. It's a good position to be in. But my confidence is building and my technique is improving and the ideas are still flowing. I laughed at the impudent young pup who thought that menage a un was a brilliant show and truly hope that in four years time the 46 year old me will be looking back with mild embarrassment about the nearly 42 year old me thinking "Hitler Moustache" was anything to write home about.
Though there will come a point where I start to decline. And there's every chance that this year will be where I hit the top of my stand up game and that everything else will be a pale imitation of this (I am planning on my 2010 show being called "Stalin Moustache" and in 2011 I am going to find out what will become of me if I go around with a moustache like the one that Peter Mandleson used to have). It was good to feel invigorated and have my mind fizzling with ideas on the way back to London. And how cool to still be intoxicated by this job after 20 years?
Jammy, jammy bastard.
