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I know many of you are wondering how the stone-clearing is going. Some of you are thinking that it was just a joke that I wouldn’t follow through on. But you people do not know me well. I am going to clear that field of stones and only death will stop me. And even death won’t stop me. Because I will hand this task down the generations until it is finished. Even though the surface of the field has a billion stones on it and those stones go down and down for many metres and the subterranean ones will be brought to the surface with every ploughing.
I don’t care.
I am going to do this because my life has to mean something and this will give my life meaning.
The men who built my house have been dead for 300 years and yet their handiwork survives (and the name of the owner is etched into one of the windows) and my field free of stones but surrounded by a wall of stones will be here in 1000 years time. And it shall bear my name. And people will remember me. Some will remember me as the idiot who attempted to clear a field of stones without even checking to see if that is what anyone wanted. But that’s better than being you. Someone who no one in a thousand years will even mention in passing. Yeah, fuck you, you’re the loser here.
My stone-clearing work has been a bit disrupted by having to go into London to work. I’ve managed a few dog walks over the last fortnight, but they’ve generally been shorter than usual and sometimes I have missed them all together, but I reckon another thousand or so stones are off the field and into the hedgerow or in the cairn. I’ve even started up another couple of cairns at other points in the field, just to give me a start. These cairns will one day all be joined up in a huge wall, but it’s nice to see the progress thus far. I usually start a cairn up if I find one particularly big stone. Most of the stones are tiny like my hand. There are a fair few that are about the size of a normal hand. But every now and again you come across one that has somehow survived the plough and is the size of a head. I found the biggest one yet on Friday. It was actually quite hard to lift it off the field. It was brown like the soil, so hard to spot (mistaking a clump of soil for a stone is the bane of the stone-clearer’s lot), and it was mainly underground (as you’ll see from the glossary beneath, this is called an iceberg), but when I pulled it and this beauty emerged - it is not hyperbole to say it was like discovering a pot go gold. Better even. Because my motives were not for personal gain, but for the greater good of humanity (unless the farmer likes having huge stones on his field in which case it’s probably more of a negative).
But of course glory seekers go for the big stones, but it is those noble souls who pick up the coin sized pebbles who are the real heroes. It’s tempting to just go for the bigger ones at this relatively early stage, but you’re just making work for yourself down the line. You will need to get the little ones eventually, so why not take a few of them now.
Occasionally though, you spot a beauty in the distance and have to Hasselhoff your way to it and bring it to the shore. What’s amazing is the way that new stones are spotted depending on where the sun hits the field. Also it seems impossible that you can find huge stones close to a path you’ve walked many times before. How did you not see them? Is someone undoing your work overnight? Or is it, as some suspect, that some great stone-laying god descends from Heaven to create more work for you? I think it is the last one and I willingly clear his blessings to this earth, knowing I am doing his work. And God is a he. A giant male chicken that lays stones instead of eggs. And anyone who doesn’t believe that is just ignorant. Where do all the stones come from? How do new ones appear.
Sometimes it is a mini pleasure to spot a good stone when you have your hands full and know that you can leave it for now. You will be returning. That great catch can wait. Patience has to be at the heart of every stone-clearer. That and insanity. And no sense of perspective about the task they have set themselves.
Anyway here are some basic terms and techniques to help you if my blogs have inspired you to live forever via the medium of stone-clearing too. Many of them are sea-based, but I think once you’ve given this a go, you will understand why.
Shore - this is the line betwixt the path round the edge of the field and the field itself. Like any shoreline it is not a fixed point, the plough means that the path can ebb and flow.
Beach - the path itself can be likened to the beach. Some stone-clearers think that clearing stones from the path is a waste of energy - after all, it is the field that you are trying to make stone-free. Yet that is short-sighted. Any stone close to the Stocean (see below) is in danger of being kicked or ploughed back into the stone-sea and it is best and easiest to get rid of these as you walk.
Headland - the part of the field to the side of the path which constitutes the land of the stones, where you ideally want them to be, as far from the beach as possible.
Stocean- the ocean of stones that lies before you
Iceberg - A huge stone that lies at least two thirds beneath the soil. Sometimes impossible to pluck from the hard earth. Always a surprise.
The yacht mango- a big and luxurious stone that lies on the top of the stocean, with hardly any or none of it submerged - ripe for the picking, like a combination of a yacht and a mango, hence the yacht mango.
Edger - a stone that lies between the beach (path) and the verge or hedgerow. Is it already liberated or should you kick it further into touch in order to help future generations of stone-clearers. Is it more important to clear the field before thinking about stones that might roll back on to the beach or on to the stocean? This is the kind of question that keeps stone-clearers up at night and has divided stone-academics. Personally I say why not give it a kick further into the rough? What harm can that do and what time might it save you?
Picker or a kicker? Are you going to bend down to pick up that stone, or is it of a size and in a position where you can more easily kick it into the headland. Sure a kick is rarely as accurate as a drop, throw or careful placement, but it is a rapid way to get rid of problem small stones without really having to break stride.
Hasslehoff - the action of leaving the shore and going far into the stocean to rescue a stone that you suspect is an iceberg or yacht mango. Are you allowed to walk on the field? Are you causing damage to crops beneath? Will you be arrested and sent to prison and be asked to explain what you think you’re doing? None of those things are as important as getting a really big stone off the field.
Soil-stone - You think you’ve spotted a brilliant stone - but alas it turns out it’s just a lump of soil. What a disappointment. Please be careful not to remove any soil from the field. That is very much counter to the point of what you’re doing. Nature will find a way to trick you. Be vigilant. Don’t let these lying, whorish soil-stones trick you as they have tricked so many.
Stone-soil - So many stones are the same colour as the soil or just covered in soil. You often find a lump that you thought was soil, but turns out to be a camouflaged stone, trying to evade your capture. Nature will find a way to trick you. Be vigilant. Don’t let these lying, whorish stone-soils trick you as they have tricked so many.
Crown Brown Bowls - what do you do when you are walking across a central path of a field? There is seemingly nowhere to deposit your stones that isn’t just also on the field. You can pick a few up and carry them, maybe bring a bag with you, but ultimately there are too many stones and these are ones you will have to deal with eventually. Of course, what you do, is bowl them back towards the edge of the field (making sure no animals and humans are in the vicinity) so that they either reach the edge or get significantly closer.
Mid-ocean cairn - Or if you prefer you can make a little cairn in the middle of the field so you have a supply of stones that you can pick up and carry to the edge at a later date. Also if you see someone coming and you have eight big stones in your arms, you might not want them to see you and ask what you’re doing, or think that you are weird, so in that case, drop your stones quickly into a mini-cairn and pretend you’re not collecting stones. And then return at a later time when no one is around, to move them to the headland.
I am sure many of you have your own stone-clearing terms, so do get in touch and let me know what they are and I can add them to the lexicon. Obviously you might have different techniques to me, maybe even superior ones. I’ve only been doing this for a few days and there is surprisingly little reference material on the subject. So any suggestions will be welcomed.
When is a stone actually soil? That’s another stone-clearer philosophical conundrum for you to think about.
May all your stones be icebergs. Or yacht mangoes. Though icebergs are better due to them being such a surprise. Yacht mangoes are nice too though. It’s wrong to have favourites.
