You know, sometimes you have such a good show that you wish you could thank every member of the audience individually. Of course tonight that will be possible."
That's how I started the show tonight, with a line that Stewart Lee used to use (at the majority of gigs) when we toured the country in the mid-1990s. I've used it a few times myself on various tour shows throughout the early and mid-Noughties (dammit, has that become the acceptable term for that decade now? I really hoped it wouldn't), but haven't had the opportunity (if that's the right word) for a good while. But tonight, with only 60 in, I felt I had to address the elephant in the room (if only there had been an elephant - it would have taken up a few seats) and remarked on how it had been a while since I'd had to use it and hoped it wasn't indicative of anything.
Admittedly, it's probably not and once again it becomes apparent that I have chosen the worse possible time to start this run (and should have probably extended to three weeks rather than five), but it's still a bit of a punch in my ego's stomach (and my vain ego has no padding round his midriff so it hurts a bit more), especially after the encouraging size of the crowd yesterday. This week everything is heightened by the fact that I am sharing the space with Stewart Lee (who I imagine will never need his line again, so it's OK if I carry the torch for it) who is selling out, despite having already done nine sold out weeks and only having put these extra dates in at the last minute. I have done well over the last few years to not get too envious of my former partner's success and I am genuinely pleased that he is getting the recognition that I always felt he deserved, but this disparity does bring home the gulf between us and I don't think I would be human if it didn't get to me a little bit.
Maybe the woman from Inverness is right - God will not be mocked, but if he was going to demonstrate that would he really have chosen to reward Stewart Lee?
And yet if I went in tomorrow and machine-gunned down cocky Lee and his stupid audience who aren't even clever enough to know that I am actually the best, then it would be I who would be arrested. I probably won't do that, although if the situation was reversed I am pretty sure Stewart would do that. In many ways I am thankful that it didn't turn out to be me who was much more successful than Stew as he really wouldn't have been able to cope with that!
I am genuinely not looking for reassurance or sympathy - these blogs are trying to give you a view into the difficulties and insecurities of being a performer - and I really do know that things are going pretty well for me overall. And yes, I know, many comedians would envy me my 60 people paying just to see me. But the financial implications are rather unsettling and in a way the fact that I have worked so hard and done comparatively well over the last year or two, makes this backward step (for whatever reason it's happened) a little harder to take. Although I can still see the comedic value in my petulant response to it. Today I so desired an escape from this lifestyle that I considered giving up comedy entirely, selling my house and giving away all the money to the poor and then.... what? I don't know. It doesn't really matter, because I won't be doing that, obviously (although, hey, it would make a brilliant idea for a show - except that if I did it for a show that would negate the whole point of doing it as an escape). And once I was on stage I enjoyed myself a lot and now have the experience and maturity to know that I have to give my best in these situations and not let it get to me. And I enjoy performing enough (and need the buzz from it) to know that I would never give it up entirely, however bad things became. None of this would be fun for any of us if it was easy. And there might come a point (and we're not there yet) where I have to have a think about what I am focusing on and decide to be primarily a writer again. I can only keep banging my head against this wall for so long.
Ultimately you can't go through life comparing yourself to others I guess. You can only judge your success against yourself, but even if that is the case (and unless things suddenly massively change) this year's London run is nowhere near as successful as the last one. It seems that I am still an act that, even after all these years, is only as popular as the particular show. So whilst Hitler Moustache grabbed people's attention, those same people who came and enjoyed it last year do not necessarily realise that it's me doing this year's show. This is one of the problems with doing such different shows every year.
It's a good show though and given the dark thoughts I was having for most of the day I am impressed that I managed to pull myself up by the sandal straps and do a better than average performance. My guess is the tour will do better than the London run, but alas from a financial point of view the London part of the tour is crucial. Maybe it would be more sensible to concentrate on the writing side of things and see stand up as my hobby.
Post-performance I feel a lot brighter about it and I am really only trying (and failing, I think) to convey the humour in the situation and in my own fragility and insecurity. But I know many of you out there are self-employed (or even unemployed) at this perilous and difficult time and that there are many were worse worries than me. I think I should be able to ride it out even if I do make 0p from the tour. But you can understand why I would be worried and aggrieved about that. And how that will inevitably impact on the viability of doing all the free stuff that I have been doing.
I will shut up about it now and try and write about other stuff on the blog from now on (though the show dominates my day and I am sure it will be doing so until May, so if this is annoying/depressing you then maybe come back then).
Mein kampf continues. I just wonder how long I can carry on kampfing.
