A couple of years ago I mentioned to my mum how I'd like my money to be divided up in the event of me dying without having spent it all. I absolutely fully intend to get rid of all my cash before I expire, on items of no financial value so that none of my family or friends can benefit from my life. Hopefully I will die at home, with a few moments notice, so I can ring up and cancel my insurance policy and set the place alight. But there is always the danger that I get taken unexpectedly before I can put my insane and selfish plan into action, leaving literally tens of pounds to be split amongst my nearest and dearest.
Before I set off home this morning my mum came into the lounge and asked me to check the terms and conditions I had laid out to her before still held good. I don't know what prompted her to do this right now exactly. Maybe she'd had a premonition of my death or possibly she was planning to murder me and then play the court a tape where I said she could have all my cash. Maybe she just wanted to kill me for the unjustified and untrue comments that I have continually made made about the Bobby Robson faced old woman in my Warming Up entries.
Or perhaps the terrible and depressing news from South East Asia had made her mindful of how our lives can be so unexpectedly and ruthlessly extinguished (please donate anything you can to the tsunami appeal at
http://www.dec.org.uk/).
Whatever, I reiterated my intentions for my money should I die before I spend it (that it should be taken out of the bank entirely in one pound coins and then melted down and made into a huge sculpture of my laughing face which is then thrown into the sea).
Later on my eldest nephew failed to turn up to see me off and his father commented that he would be written out of my will.
Maybe I've been watching too much Agatha Christie over the holiday weekend but it did make me a little nervous driving home.
I made sure I checked my brakes before I got to Shipham Hill.
But if I do unexpectedly die I want you all to inform the authorities of my laughing statue wishes. This is my last will and testament and I hope legally binding.
