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I had given Catie a night off from the baby, she slept in the spare room and I took on all feeding, playing and cleaning duties and Phoebe made the most of this free service. Having not done a poo for a while, she was clearly saving it up for me, doing two big and smelly craps in close succession. And then a wee. Just to maximise nappy numbers. I wouldn’t want to have to poo or wee into a dirty nappy, so I don’t blame her for waiting for a fresh one for each individual movement.
I am determined not to crack and lose my patience with her and to take whatever she can throw (or project) at me with a smile on my face. And so far I am still managing to find it all funny, but she stretched things pretty far tonight. She wasn’t interested in sleeping between midnight and three, though I tried everything I could think of to make her drop off. It was hard to be cross with her as she was alert and lots of fun although a bit grouchy too. I have to make the most of the time I am with her, though I was worried about the impact of lack of sleep.
But I got about six hours sleep, which is roughly what I was getting in the months before Phoebe’s birth and my wife took over in the morning and I had a bit of a lie-in.
I took a trip to the Westfield to pay in my SCOPE money and post off some parcels (I eschewed the Post Office - life is too short) and buy some washing powder (our washing machine has probably been hit hardest by our new arrival - it probably doesn’t know what's hit it). Going to the shopping centre now has an added frisson as it was recently named as a target for terrorism, but to be fair I’ve had that at the front of my mind every single time I have been there over the last few years. I always scope out both my exit and where I would hide in order to jump out and single-handedly disarm the terrorists. I don’t know how I would react in the event of a real attack (though I have a fairly good idea - my washing machine would not be pleased), but in my imagination I am usually quite the hero. I am not sure what makes me think I would be able to take on someone with a machine gun and bombs with my tiny Hermione hands, that have already proven themselves largely useless even with as weak an adversary as a drunk University lecturer. But the fantasy world inside my head runs by different rules to the actual world and I am a hero in there. It’s unlikely that the terrorists would choose to strike on a Wednesday afternoon, but that just helps make my imaginary unbelievable bravery all the more impressive. And once I have survived the incident and brought it to an end by killing one terrorist with a punch and then the others with the first terrorist’s gun (even though I have no idea how to operate a gun) I would take interviews from the media in which I became the first person to say, “Yes, I am a hero. I am a massive fucking hero. What of it?”
Perhaps there were terrorists there today, but when they saw how alert and ready I was to repel their attack they decided to call it off. Let’s say that’s what happened. I am a hero.
And people who like to steal low end pick n mix sweets might be surprised to find out that there’s a source for super posh sweets to take and no one will even stop you let alone call the police. Pop into Hotel Chocolat, the high-end confectioners and they nearly always have at least one little tray of samples for you to try. You can easily eat two without comment and I reckon you could do more. Just got in to the shop, pretend you’re looking at the expensive sweets -make sure you pull a face that says, “oooh, that one looks interesting and I am just thinking about buying it. Or maybe I will buy this one.” Then try some of the free stuff. And then look around for a bit longer (you don’t want to give away that you only snuck in for the free sweets) and then pull a face that says, “Is that the time? oh I have somewhere to go, but I will definitely come back later and buy something.” And then run out laughing. It’s like shop-lifting but they can’t do anything about it. Because the idiots are giving their stuff away for free. What a stupid business model.
I mean, it does work, because about 20% of the time I do end up buying something because the chocolate is really nice and the boxes make really cool presents. But what about the 80% of time where I get two free big chocolate buttons? I am the winner here.
But remember you can also get it in DVD or download form from
gofasterstripe.
Christ on a Bike and
Hitler Moustache are also available on iTunes, and that’s almost the only place to get them now as we don’t own the rights to it and the people who do are not printing up any more DVDs. I don’t get any of the money, but they are there if you want them. They are both also on Netflix though, as is Headmaster’s Son and What is Love, Anyway?
The Retro RHLSTP with Stephen Fry (and some additional ventriloquism) is now up on these platforms for free.
And back on the road this week, at Nottingham on Thursday, Wolves on Friday, Salford on Saturday and Chorley on Sunday.
Still tickets for all gigs. 
