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Maybe it’s just a coincidence or maybe it’s because after so much time at home, I am now back to work, or maybe it’s because she’s back at nursery and is being pushed into dividing activities along gender lines by the other kids or maybe she’s not a morning person, but Phoebe is back on Team Mummy. She was telling me to “Go Away” all morning. Sometimes with a flicker of humour, but more often with the cold dead eyes of someone who would kill me if the means became available.
I don’t know why we assume that our kids will love us unconditionally after we all spent the first part of our lives being atrocious to our own parents, but humans wouldn’t be humans if they ever learned anything without actually having to go through it all themselves.
Catie dropped me off at the station this morning and Phoebe was in the back. I tried to say goodbye through the window and she just shouted, “Go away,” and I wondered how she would feel if something terrible happened to me in town and this was the last time that she ever saw me. Would she remember? Would she blame herself? Would she think that I had obeyed her and just left?
And what if nothing bad happened, but I decided to take her at her word and go away and not come back? And then sent her a note saying it was her fault. That would be sweet.
Luckily I know she loves me really (a tiny bit, underneath it all) and didn’t take it too much to heart. But just in case, perhaps mindful of the same things as me, as I finally said goodbye she gave me a wave and a sweet smile to let me know what she really thought. She’s playing around, as she should, testing the boundaries and seeing what happens and even though being three is a pretty sweet deal and possibly the best your life will ever get, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be grouchy. You should be grouchy if you realise that this is your golden time and you’re hardly going to remember it. Besides that day your dad disappeared and you had a vague memory that it was somehow your fault.
On the platform a gang of 14 year old girls were slagging off their own parents and swearing way too much, like they had discovered they could shout fuck in public and no one would do anything and they were making up for lost time. One of them said that one of the other’s mums was cool and the girl with the cool mum didn’t know how to cope with that. That wasn’t in the rules. They were here to say how awful their parents were, you couldn’t undermine each other by arguing that someone else’s mum was ok. But in spite of being annoyed, there was a bit of pride and the girl with the cool mum said only half-disparagingly, “Do you think?” Ten years on for me all this, but it was nice to see that underneath the pretence there was still that last minute smile and surreptitious wave.
We have to love them so much that they know they are safe to make out that they hate us and we will still be there for them. Even when my daughter is an awful, sweary teenager and finds more sophisticated (and less sophisticated) ways to hurt my feelings and drive me to anger, I know I will love her beyond all things.
You know if I haven’t stormed out of the house shouting, “I am going because of you!” And never come back.
Two can play at this psychological warfare.
And another exhausting day of the writers room was followed by my first gig for three and a half months as I headed to the Union Chapel to do Joke for Scope. I was worried that I would have lost the ability to perform and was struggling to remember any material, but luckily once I was on, I felt relaxed and happy and almost like I’d never been away and I enjoyed it. As I hadn’t missed stand up all this time I was wondering if maybe that journey was coming to an end, but although I am not putting in any stand-up gigs for a while, I think there will be more to come. It was a very strong night of comedy and unusually for a charity gig there weren’t way too many acts, which meant the crowd were still fresh for headliner Russell Howard, who was magnificent.
When I returned to stand up in 2004, I ended up on loads of bills with Russell, who was just emerging as a new wunderkind of stand up. He was effortless and on his game and extremely hard to follow, though I occasionally had to as at that point was possibly a bigger name, even though I was nowhere as experienced or as good a stand-up. Aside from closing the show I didn’t have to follow him tonight, which was a relief.
Everyone was great tonight, including a young comic who had won a joke competition and was doing her first ever actually stand-up gig in front of this huge crowd, but kept her nerve (even though you could see her surprise as the stuff she had rehearsed at home was suddenly getting laughs, which almost buffeted her round the stage) and it was a lovely dip back into the fetid water of performance for me personally.
I am very proud to be a Patron of Scope and the team did a brilliant job in organising this gig and looking after us back stage. I managed to avoid the temptation of free booze and the many calorific snacks (aside from one slice of pizza) and the diet is holding strong so far.
I nearly fell asleep in the taxi home, but of course, when I got back was wide awake and had to watch some telly until the adrenaline had subsided and got to bed at about 1am. And that’s why being a stand-up and a dad of small kids is not entirely compatible.
