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Blimey, someone likes milk! Ten days old and it is literally all my daughter eats. She’s obsessed with it. It can’t be healthy - there’s no variety to her diet whatsoever, I can’t even tempt her into different areas of dairy. You’d think she’d at least enjoy a yoghurt for a change. Just one every now and again. We don’t have a thing about yoghurt in this family. But no. Milk for breakfast, milk for lunch, milk for dinner, milk for supper, also milk for brunch and milk for linner and milk for dupper and then just when you’d think that maybe Phoebe had had enough milk, she'll wake up at about 3am, hungry and you guessed it, it’s milk again. She’s a milk obsessed idiot.
That saying about stealing candy from a baby is ridiculous. Baby’s aren’t interested in candy. I don’t think it would even be classified as stealing if you took it from them, because they don’t want it. Stealing a nipple from a baby. That’s the fucking challenge. They’re stuck on the thing like limpets. It’s not limpets teeth that are the strongest material on this planet, it’s a baby’s nipple-fixated gums. I’m not getting a look in at nipples since the baby arrived (apart from my own tiny bruised ones), there’s a baby’s head in the way. No wonder Nigel Farage was furious about breast feeding in public. If it wasn’t for the babies we’d be getting to see loads of naked boobs, but thanks to their milk obsession we get nothing. Come on UKIP, send these babies back where they came from and make British nipples viewable by all.
Today Phoebe was more milk obsessed than usual and for the first time since her birth was in a proper shitty mood. In the hour after she was born her wails of distress were punctuated by a sound of something catching in her throat, a little squeak of distress between the sobs. It was sort of cute, but even then I thought, “That’s going to get annoying”. But she’s been happy to be alive since then so I hadn’t really heard it again till now. There was seemingly not enough milk in the world for her today and she never got hungry and so wasn’t really going to sleep.
I wouldn’t mind, but she’s got really odd milk tastes and insists on the milk coming out of a woman, not even countenancing having a bit of normal cow milk. Back in the 90s I was a champion of unusual milks of all kinds, so I am sad to have bred a child who is not only a pervert, but one with very limited lactate tastes.
I took her up to my office to see if I could distract her from ideas of milk and crying for it, but she wasn’t having it. However much I played or sang or pulled brilliant funny faces she’d only be distracted for a few seconds. But I was again delighted to note how brilliant my daughter is at farting, the only genetic thing she seems to have picked up from me, but also that her impressively huge farts for such a tiny being smell exactly the same as mine. I guess that we’ve been eating the same stuff since she’s been alive, although her food has been filtered down via my wife - my understanding is that mammary glands are essentially food liquidisers - but we must still share identical guts to produce the same smell. We are fart twins and I am sure this is something that we can work into an act. At the very least it gives me a free pass to blame Phoebe for all my farts at least until she is old enough to deny it. And then I will just tell her that she who denied it supplied it. So until she can come up with a counter argument (and no one under the age of six has concocted the “He who made the rhyme did the crime” rebuttal). So I will be able to silently but violently be able to let rip right into the 2020s, thanks to this quirk of biology.
Even when she’s grouchy and stinky I still like being around this tiny little human being that I have somehow co-authored. And I am amazed that we’ve managed to keep her happy and healthy for so long.
To fill the void whilst you wait for the next series of RHLSTP we’re releasing the previously pay-to-view earlier series filmed shows for FREE on youtube, vimeo and iTunes, with specially filmed new bumpers. First up is Chris Addison and in the intro, as well as plugging my tour (of course), I introduce the world to my beautiful daughter, who is so clever she can actually speak. Check it out at these locations
Did I mention that RHLSTP is again up for the Chortle internet award?
You can vote for it here if you wish -
though personally I voted for Comedian's Comedian which I hope wins it.
