The email from the Christian went down very well tonight and I think I am going to have fun hammering it into a routine over the next few weeks of the tour. I guess I hadn't read it properly as some of it surprised even me - the story of the eggs in the trunk is as hilarious as it is untrue. It is lovely that Christians are gifting me this material. Today I sent another email to the woman who'd sent it, cutting and pasting from a website what had become of the disciples. When you consider that Christians have 2000 years of history to find evidence of people punished for mocking God and they have come up with such paltry and so few examples, it is sobering to realise that of the 12 disciples only a quarter got to die a natural death and these were the people closest to Jesus. And if you include Paul and the early saints and indeed Jesus himself you will see that being close to Christ and never mocking him doesn't prevent you from having a grizzly death.
Here's the email I sent:
"Thought you might enjoy this - here's what happened to the 12 disciples of Jesus. Very few escaped unscathed. Interesting to juxtapose against your own random list. These were the people closest to Jesus and who had most faith in him. Suggests that God doesn't just reserve gruesome deaths for the people who mock him
Judas
We all know what happened to him...
Andrew
According to Hippolytus:
Andrew preached to the Scythians [modern day Georgia] and Thracians [modern day Bulgaria], and was crucified, suspended on an olive tree, at Patrae, a town of Achaia [Greece]; and there too he was buried.
Bartholomew
According to Hippolytus, Bartholomew preached in India:
Bartholomew, again, preached to the Indians, to whom he also gave the Gospel according to Matthew, and was crucified with his head downward, and was buried in Allanum, a town of the great Armenia [modern day southern Georgia].
Eusebius, in his Church History, confirms the ministry of Bartholomew in India, and adds an eye witness account:
About that time, Pantaenus, a man highly distinguished for his learning, had charge of the school of the faithful in Alexandria... Pantaenus...is said to have gone to India. It is reported that among persons there who knew of Christ, he found the Gospel according to Matthew, which had anticipated his own arrival. For Bartholomew, one of the apostles, had preached to them, and left with them the writing of Matthew in the Hebrew language, which they had preserved till that time. ---- (Book 5, Chapter 10)
James, Son of Alphaeus
Hippolytus identifies that James was stoned to death in Jerusalem:
And James the son of Alphaeus, when preaching in Jerusalem, was stoned to death by the Jews, and was buried there beside the temple.
James, Son of Zebedee
James was the brother of John, the disciple "that Jesus loved".
According to the Book of Acts in the New Testament, James was killed by Herod:
Act 12:1 And at that time Herod the king threw on his hands to oppress some of those of the church.
Act 12:2 And he killed James the brother of John with the sword.
This is confirmed by Hippolytus:
James, his brother, when preaching in Judea, was cut off with the sword by Herod the tetrarch, and was buried there.
Eusebius descibed more precisely what was cut off of James:
First Stephen was stoned to death by them, and after him James, the son of Zebedee and the brother of John, was beheaded... (Book 3, Chapter 5)
Yep... James' head was cut...
John, brother of James and son of Zebedee
John was one of the few disciples that did not die a cruel death, but of "old age".
Eusebius discusses the reason that John wrote his Gospel:
"Matthew and John have left us written memorials, and they, tradition says, were led to write only under the pressure of necessity...And when Mark and Luke had already published their Gospels, they say that John, who had employed all his time in proclaiming the Gospel orally, finally proceeded to write for the following reason. The three Gospels already mentioned having come into the hands of all and into his own too, they say that he accepted them and bore witness to their truthfulness; but that there was lacking in them an account of the deeds done by Christ at the beginning of his ministry." (Book 3, Chapter 24)
According to Hippolytus, John was banished by Domitian to the Isle of Patmos, and later died in Ephesus:
John, again, in Asia, was banished by Domitian the king to the isle of Patmos, in which also he wrote his Gospel and saw the apocalyptic vision; and in Trajan's time he fell asleep at Ephesus, where his remains were sought for, but could not be found.
Matthew/Levi
Eusebius referenced to Bishop Papias of Hierapolis, as early as c. 110 A.D., bearing witness to Matthew's authorship of his gospel:
....Matthew put together the oracles [of the Lord] in the Hebrew language, and each one interpreted them as best he could." (Eusebius, Book 3, Chapter 39)
According to Hippolytus:
Matthew wrote the Gospel in the Hebrew tongue, and published it at Jerusalem, and fell asleep at Hierees, a town of Parthia.224 [Parthia is near modern day Tehran]
Simon/Peter
Eusebius, quoting Papias of Hierapolis (c. 110 A.D.), records a tradition that the Gospel of Mark preserved the Gospel as preached by Peter:
"Mark having become the interpreter of Peter, wrote down accurately whatsoever he remembered.... he accompanied Peter..." ---- (Book 3, Chapter 39)
Irenaeus (c. 180 A.D.) records a similar tradition, and mentions that Peter and Paul founded the Church in Rome:
"Matthew also issued a written Gospel among the Hebrews in their own dialect, while Peter and Paul were preaching at Rome, and laying the foundations of the Church. After their departure, Mark, the disciple and interpreter of Peter, did also hand down to us in writing what had been preached by Peter..." ---- (Irenaeus, "Against Heresies", Book 3, Chapter 1)
Eusebius records that Peter was put to death under Nero in Rome:
It is, therefore, recorded that Paul was beheaded in Rome itself, and that Peter likewise was crucified under Nero. This account of Peter and Paul is substantiated by the fact that their names are preserved in the cemeteries of that place even to the present day. ---- (Book 2, Chapter 25)
(Paul was a Roman citizen can cannot be crucified but got an "easier" death sentence)
Hippolytus confirmed the fact that Peter was crucified by Nero in Rome:
Peter preached the Gospel in Pontus, and Galatia, and Cappadocia, and Betania, and Italy, and Asia, and was afterwards crucified by Nero in Rome with his head downward, as he had himself desired to suffer in that manner.
Philip
According to Hippolytus, Philip preached and was executed in what today is eastern Turkey:
Philip preached in Phrygia, and was crucified in Hierapolis with his head downward in the time of Domitian, and was buried there.
Simon the Zealot
According to Hippolytus, Simon the Zealot was the second Bishop of Jerusalem:
Simon the Zealot, the son of Clopas, who is also called Jude, became bishop of Jerusalem after James the Just, and fell asleep and was buried there at the age of 120 years.
Thaddaeus/Judas son of James
According to Mat 10:3 (KJV): Philip, and Bartholomew; Thomas, and Matthew the publican; James the son of Alphaeus, and Lebbaeus, whose surname was Thaddaeus.... Thaddaeus is also known as Lebbaeus.
Hippolytus records:
Jude, who is also called Lebbaeus, preached to the people of Edessa, and to all Mesopotamia, and fell asleep at Berytus, and was buried there.
Thomas
Hippolytus records that Thomas was an active missionary, and that he met his fate in India:
And Thomas preached to the Parthians, Medes, Persians, Hyrcanians, Bactrians, and Margians, and was thrust through in the four members of his body with a pine spear at Calamene, the city of India, and was buried there.'
If anyone knows the attitude you have to take to Jesus in order to avoid a gruesome death then do let me know, but also do forward that list on to anyone who emails you one about the dangers of mocking God (or just giving him some of your cigarette smoke)
On the way back from a lovely gig with lots of new digressions and about 200 people in the audience, I spotted an advert at the tube station for a book called,
The Rembrandt Secret, with a cover design that reminded me of something. Where do these authors get their amazing ideas? I tweeted about it and lots of people suggested other possible novels about mysteries around paintings - @alnya said "dammit! * tears up The Picasso Puzzle manuscript*" but my favourite came from @lucastheheyze who said "still hope for my novel 'The Banksy Sudoku' yet." That made me laugh every time I thought about it. Just at what might happen in such a novel. It is so rubbish it is almost genius.
Whilst there is a chance that Alex Connor's book is amazing and original and just happens to be on a similar theme to Dan Brown's one and have the same cover by coincidence, it seems unlikely and it does make my heart sink a little bit to consider the process by which this book was written, commissioned and publicised. Does anyone feel happy with themselves for being involved in this? I know that authors don't always have control over publicity or even titles and maybe Alex Connor has been badly represented and maybe the book is amazing. I really hope it is. But a part of me died seeing just the advert, so I don't know how you'd feel if you were involved in it. Getting a book written and published is a massive deal, but one would imagine that most people would want it to be something they would be proud of, rather than an attempt to court (and possibly trick) people who liked another book into giving you their money. Perhaps I see too much nobility in an industry that is just about making money, but I feel embarrassed on behalf of the man whose printing press was used to print this book and he is the least culpable one in the process. I actually feel a bit sorry for the author of the book that is placed next to this one in the book shop. The stink of desperate commercialism can surely only taint it.
But if it leads to a Dan Brown style book about a guerilla-art style sudoku stencilled on a wall by a semi-anonymous artist shortly before he is murdered, possibly not having painted in enough numbers for the sudoku to be solved, then I will be happy.
And let's not even mention the fact that Paddy McGuinness is doing a stadium comedy tour. OK, let's mention it. I did on Twitter saying "If you ever needed reminding that life is not fair then the continuing success of Paddy Mcguinness would be all you'd need." Which led to me having to defend myself against accusations of envy - certainly not true, he has nothing I would want - and get mentioned in
internet news articles that make me look vaguely mental. I am sure he is a perfectly nice bloke - he seems it - but my point was only that even in an industry full of luck and chancers things have fallen his way and there are other comedians and indeed blokes in pubs who didn't get the good fortune he did. Life isn't fair. That's all I was saying. Not from my point of view - I've been a pretty lucky chancer too. I was just saying.
