A long day with an early start. Not only was the day going to last 31 hours for me (as the hotel and flight industries conspired to bamboozle us so we wouldn't notice the scam they've been pulling), but I woke up at 4am (I was supposed to get up at 6). But evenso I didn't feel so stressed. The ease with which I coped with the unpleasantness of air travel today made me realise how relaxed and rejuvenated this break has made me feel. I was smiling as I got on the plane at 11am and still perfectly happy as I got off at Heathrow however many hours later that is actually had been (It probably turns out that Thailand is in a big shed just outside Watford). I even annoyed my girlfriend by doing a little dance as we made our way to immigration. A change is not as good as a rest. A rest if fucking awesome.
It was pissing down with rain, as it had been on the day we arrived, as if to signal that our time here was done. It at least made it less of a pull to leave.
We were the first people to breakfast this morning and I enjoyed eating an omelette with chillis in it whilst overlooking the sea one last time. Breakfast is pretty much always my favourite thing about a holiday. Especially if I am by the sea.
Soon enough we were out of our room and waiting for the cab (which was late, but I didn't get too freaked out- holiday chill). The hills were shrouded in cloud this morning and the Big Buddha was hidden from sight. But as we rounded the hill it sits upon the cloud cleared enough for his giant head to peek out through the mist. He couldn't bear to let us go without a little wink, although my girlfriend didn't see him and when I tried to show her the cloud had again completely covered him. If you were a dolt who thought the world revolved around you you'd think that was significant. And I am that kind of dolt (nearly everyone is which is why the world is so fucked) and so I would say that whatever religion Buddha is the God or king of or whatever the fuck he is, is definitely the right one. You should worship that one. I can't be bothered to look it up on wikipedia, but you have to do some of the work yourself. The road to spiritual enlightenment involves a small amount of googling.
There was still an hour or so to get to the airport and I had to resist the urge to wind down the window and shout "The King is a dick!" But it wasn't much of an urge because I don't think he is. But now having put that in my blog it probably means I can never return to this beautiful country. Though I should point out to any Thais reading this that when I said "The King", I was referring to Elvis. Though I noticed that a lot of the musicians at the restaurants on the resort did play a lot of his stuff, so that might be equally or more contentious.
The flight was long, but blissfully not that full and we had three seats for the two of us. Someone farted before we'd even taken off and there was a crying child in the row behind us, but miraculously (and it's possible the two incidents were connected) the farting and the crying stopped. I watched lots of bad films, played some Mario Kart, drank some final Singha beers and slept for four hours. No wonder I was still dancing at the end of it.
There was a long wait at passport control. The child who hadn't cried since before take off was just in front of us and started crying again. He had done well to get that far between cries. An official came up and took the family out a different way, presumably to jump the queue. Neat trick. It might be worth having kids after all. I suggested to my girlfriend that I should start bawling my eyes out too and see if the trick worked for us.
When I finally got to the desk the official was looking at her computer screen. Without looking up she said, "How do you spell Paraguay?"
This was a new development. Whilst I was away had the government introduced a trivia element to immigration? Was I going to have to get ten questions right to enter the country? It would certainly explain the delay. And to be honest I'd be more than up for that. It'd be like a troll guarding a bridge wanting answers to his questions three. There'd be plenty to lose. Get the questions wrong and you're back on a flight out of the country. Get them right and you get citizenship. Or just get to go home. I think she might just have been dealing with some fall out from the person before me, but let's hope it's part of a new initiative. I knew how to spell Paraguay and even though I had not been to bed for 24 hours and had just stepped off a plane I gave the correct answer. She was impressed. Maybe there's a gameshow in this if nothing else. Sleep deprived people who've been cramped up in a plane and then made to queue in an environment with farting men and screaming children then have to answer general knowledge questions. It could be called "Sleep's For Losers". I'd genuinely pitch this except I think it would definitely get made and just add to the awful cavalcade of TV shows based on bullying people and making them feel bad. But having said that if you're a TV exec and want to pay me for the idea then go ahead. But why pay for it when you could just steal if for free? Be my guest.
The passport official was impressed with my spelling ability. She looked at my passport, "Ah, Mr Herring" she said, seeming to recognise me, but it's possible that it's part of their job to know everyone who is allowed in the country, like the Passport equivalent of the Knowledge (though to be fair she had also just read my name off of my passport and if they are going to have that kind of deal from Immigration officers I'd suggest that first and foremost they should know how to spell all the countries). "I am going to tell all my friends what a good speller you are."
Good to know my spelling reputation will be spread far and wide (if you want a reputation spreading then tell an immigration officer). If I had been more awake I might have said "I have nothing to declare but the spelling of disestablishmentarianism" but then she might have said, "That's a joke for customs officers, not immigration officers," and I would have looked stupid.
It was cold, there was some sleet. It's good to be home.
