Warming Up

Friday 15th October 2004

I woke up thinking London was under some kind of nuclear attack as my ears were filled with noise and my bed was shaking. But I opened my eyes to find myself in unfamiliar surroundings and was momentarily quite confused.
It was then I remembered that I was in a hotel just outside Bangor and that Simon Streeting had arrogantly booked us into a hotel that stood right beside some railway tracks. I knew he had done this solely so that I would be woken at 6.30am and be confusied and think that London was under nuclear attack. I had no doubt that he had brought some kind of sophisticated ear-plug system with him that would mean his vainglorious sleep could continue undisturbed. So dedicated was he in his missionto destroy my life that he had even chosen a hotel that had no vegetarian sausage option for breakfast. That's how much he wanted me to momentarily believe my home town was under attack, before then realising that I was in Bangor and that it was just a train. He is an evil idiot, which is much worse than being an evil genius.
I tried to get back to sleep but the trains trundled by every half an hour. At least I knew I would get the pleasure of going down to breakfast and seeing Simon Streeting failing to get some vegetarian sausages to eat and have to look at his arrogant and disappointed face. We'd arranged to meet in the breakfast room at 8.45. But at 8.30 I got a text. Simon Streeting was telling me that he'd already had breakfast and would meet me at 9. He'd second guessed me at every corner. Now I'd just have to imagine his non-vegetarian sausage face. Check mate.
Never take on an evil idiot. You can not win.