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I'm a big fan of toilet sign based pedantry. Sometimes you'll see a sign that says something like "Do Not Flush Anything Apart From Toilet Paper" and I will think, "What, so I am not allowed to flush urine or faeces. Am I allowed to use the toilet for those if I don't flush? What if the toilet has someone else's wee in it, can I flush then? Also what about the water already in the toilet, that isn't toilet paper, so do I have to remove all of that before I flush the toilet paper? And what about the water from the flush? That's not toilet paper. Looks like I can't flush this toilet at all." Then I chuckle to myself about how funny I am. And clever. I have satirised the idiot who has written the sign.
I may not be the only one because today I saw a sign in service station at Pease Pottage that said "If you're in a rush, here's what to flush" and this correctly listed wee, poo and toilet paper with a tick, but then listed some things that you can't flush: Plastic bottles (what?), nappies, tampons, tights, plasters, sanitary towels, baby wipes." The sign writer thinks he's defeated me and all the other people who make the clever and funny remember joke about only flushing toilet paper. But he hasn't defeated us at all. His sign is still useless. Can I flush nuclear waste, living kittens, dead kittens, the concept of regret, staples, the Empire State Building, the planet Uranus (this is clever because it also sounds like your anus), the hair shirt of Thomas Beckett... I could go on. By listing everything in the world. The sign only tells us a few things that can be flushed and a few more that can't, but it leaves a Universe full of stuff where the flushing status is unconfirmed. Including the water already in the toilet.
So it's a fail. Your turn sign writer. I'd suggest listing wee, poo, toilet paper and water that is already in the toilet system as things that you can flush and then just have a box saying "Anything Else" with a cross by it.
But if you did that I'd come back and say - what are you saying I can't put other things in there? What about if I have to spit out something nasty? Or if I am weeing or pooing blood? Can I not flush then? You need to be much more specific about things that are acceptable and which are not. What if someone comes into the toilet and tries to shoot me and I knock their gun in the toilet? Am I not allowed to flush in order to prevent them shooting me? What if I have been masturbating in the cubicle? Do I have to take my semen home with me or can I flush that? What if I want to flush a nerd's head down the toilet because I am a horrible arsehole? Please clarify.
The ball is in your court. And can I flush that too? It's human waste and only small.
Who the fuck is flushing plastic bottles down the toilet? And how?
Sold out gig in Brighton tonight (Hove, Actually) and the first passing out of this run so far. Or at least a man who became light-headed in the second row. It was just at the crucial point of the show where I am taking the call from the doctor and so I couldn't really break off and comment about it or help him, but eventually he made his own way out. I talk about the gig a little bit on a video made as I was being driven home (again forgot to do it in the dressing room) for thos paying substack submissives.
