Happy
New Year! It’s 2015. But I am still writing, “Why am I still using cheques?” on
all of my cheques.
I hope
you had a good Christmas. I was given the Wolf of Wall Street on DVD. Lots of
people rated it, but I think that it’s the worst werewolf movie ever. There
isn’t a single werewolf in it! The set up is great: we’re introduced to loads
of horrible characters and you’re thinking, “Great, I can’t wait until he is
eaten by a werewolf” or “ Seeing these drugged up, criminal money men ripped
apart by a moon-crazed man beast will be some sort of symbolic vengeance on all
the idiots like them who chucked our economy down the toilet”. But the werewolf
never appears. By the end I would have been happy if they’d just locked the
doors and released a regular wolf into the offices, but presumably they’d used
up all the budget demeaning women and dwarves so they couldn’t afford to. None
of the corrupt moneymen receive any kind
of real punishment at all and carry on living in luxury. So at least it’s true
to life. Leonardo di Caprio needs to research his parts more carefully though. He
has no idea how to eat sherbert. You use your mouth, maybe using a stick of
liquorice to suck it up, you don't use your nose and snort it off of a woman's
bottom. Zero stars.
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I am
trying to come up with some formats for TV and radio myself, but I’ve only had
one idea so far: Katie Hopkins follows up the recent TV programme where she
deliberately got fat in order to demonstrate how easy it is to lose weight, by
being deliberately given the ebola virus to show how easy it is to shake that
off. It’s one way to make people feel sorry for the ebola virus. And if that
proves to be the ratings triumph I suspect it will be, then we can do future
series where other public irritants are given deadly diseases to see what
happens. Might small pox be one of the contestants on the next series of
Celebrity Big Brother? It’s certainly more famous than most of the people they
get on that show and to be honest after a long time out of the spotlight it
would probably relish a shot at the big time again. And how about Jeremy Kyle
Get Put on a Spike?
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And of
course it’s time for New Year’s resolutions.
Last January I resolved to show the medical
establishment how ridiculous the BMI system is, by losing 25kg to get to my
supposedly ideal weight of 72kg. I would look emaciated and unhealthy and all
the doctors would have to admit they were wrong and I could eat as many
chocolate éclairs as I liked. I was under 80kg by August and if I am honest, it
still looked like I had a bit of weight to shift, but that doesn’t mean I was
wrong. I ended the year almost exactly at the halfway point at 84kg. So my New
Year’s resolution is to lose 12kg (which let’s face it, I managed last year) and
then this time next year my doctor is in for a rude awakening.
- - =-
And 2015 is going to be a big year for me as my wife
will be giving birth to our first child in about five or six weeks. Have I
mentioned that before? Don’t worry I can’t imagine it’s going to come up again.
