I was at the British Museum with my wife looking at the
Elgin Marbles. These sculptures and friezes from the Parthenon in Greece are
controversial for many reasons. Who do they really belong to? Should we send them
back where they came from? Wouldn’t that rather ruin the point of museums if
they only displayed artefacts from within a fifty-metre radius? I can see both
sides of the argument and am glad I don’t have to make the decision.
In any case, I was distracted by a greater controversy:
the story that the carvings actually relate. Which is so unspeakably filthy
that I am amazed it is allowed to be put on public display anywhere. It depicts
the legend of the Lapiths and the Centaurs. To summarise; the Lapiths who are
human invited some centarurs who are half man and half horse to a wedding. The
centaurs got drunk, as you’d expect at a wedding, then attempted to have sex
with the bride (less expected), before then generally running amok, trying to
make off with any women (or boys) that they could carry. The Lapiths, not
unreasonably, fought the horny horsemen and sent them packing. But if such a
display of sex crimes and violence was displayed anywhere but in a museum the
Daily Mail would be up in arms.
I couldn’t understand why the centaurs would want to
have sex with humans at all. Surely we’d disgust them. Personally I might be
attracted to the top half of a centaur lady, but I think the bottom bit would
put me off sexual congress. I’d be up for a little snog and then suggest that
the centaur lady take me for a ride in the countryside and, if she was
agreeable, hold on to her bosom as if it was a handlebar. But once it got below
the belly-button I would feel uncomfortable. And my feelings would be
reciprocated by the centaurs, surely? No matter how many drinks they’d had.
This led to the inevitable discussion of whether if
you were a centaur it would be better to have the top half or the bottom half
of you as a horse. You probably think I would choose the bottom half because
then I would be hung like a horse. But again that would only be useful if I was
interested in attracting horses (I hope you’re not thinking I am protesting too
much, but I am not). How many human females would be genuinely excited by a man
who was literally hung like a horse? To the extent that he had an actual
horse’s junk (let alone a horse’s arse, a horse’s tail and a horse’s hind
legs)? Catherine the Great might be up for it, if you believe the lies of
history, but it would be a very niche interest, especially if you also toileted
in the equine fashion.
Obviously a top half horse, bottom half man
configuration would be equally unsettling for all. And also lead to problems
with balance.
If I was a centaur, I'd like to be left half horse
and right half human. Then if all else failed I could come up with an amusing
comedy act where I faced the audience sideways on and looked like a man, but
could then turn around and look like a horse. And then have a funny
conversation.
But then neither man nor beast, nor half-man,
half-beast would be interested in my strange hybrid dongle.
It was nice to get out and see some high
culture. Our minds improved we moved on to look at the Rosetta Stone.
