Journalism

London News Review issue 2

Das Kapital by Richard Herring
“Someone Likes Yoghurts”
A new "Sainsbury Local" has opened in Shepherd’s Bush. It’s like a normal Sainsbury, but smaller and more local to where you live, which must be confusing for people who live on the same street as a normal, non-local Sainsbury. Do they do their shopping there or travel a few miles to the nearest “Sainsbury Local”? Isn’t it up to us to decide which shops are local to us, based on our own judgement of distances?
I popped in yesterday to and amongst other things I purchased nine yoghurts. I reasoned that these would keep me going for nine days of a yoghurt a day or five days of two yoghurts a day (except for one of the days when I would have only one yoghurt) or eighteen days of a yoghurt (on average) every other day. There are several other permutations (NB the use by date was 19 days away – please take this into account in your own calculations).
I would say that I eat on average, two yoghurts every three days, so I wasnÂ’t going to have to worry about yoghurt purchases for nearly a fortnight. This made me happy.
At the check-out, the girl started scanning my items. She noticed the yoghurts and commented, "Someone likes yoghurts!"
I didnÂ’t know what to say. I do quite like yoghurts, but no more than the next lactose tolerant person. IÂ’m not obsessed with them, as I suspected she was implying. It was only nine yoghurts.
But she wouldnÂ’t let it go. She lifted the basket towards the girl at the next check-out and said, "Look at all the yoghurts." The other girlÂ’s eyes went all wide with astonishment.
It was as if I was they thought I was going to scoop all the yoghurts into my greedy mouth the minute I was out of the shop. Like some kind of yoghurt freak. Rather than, as was the case, a normal yoghurt consumer who merely wished to ensure a ready supply of yoghurts in his fridge.
In any case, I didn't think it was her place to pass comment. So what if I did like yoghurt more than the average customer? ThatÂ’s my business. I shouldn't be subjected to public scrutiny, nor to having my grocery needs discussed amongst the staff. What would she have said if I had been purchasing three large boxes of condoms - "Ooooh, someone likes sex"? Or a month's supply of pornographic magazines - "Someone likes masturbating"? How about a bumper pack of toilet rolls - "Blimey. someone enjoys defecating"?
No, I would expect discretion. Just as I expect discretion about my (normal) yoghurt consumption.
And nine yoghurts is not excessive. I might have a wife and a couple of kids, then that is only two yoghurts each (with one remaining for whoever wanted another- not necessarily me). I might be having a dinner party with eight guests and decided that for dessert we would all enjoy a yoghurt. Then I'd only be having one yoghurt myself. Hardly yoghurt consumption worth commenting upon.
She scanned the nine yoghurts and then lifted up some of my other groceries to see if there were more yoghurts hidden in the basket. "I'm just seeing if there are any more yoghurts," she explained unnecessarily, as if this was the most extraordinary thing that she had ever seen. "No, there aren't,” I replied, “I don't like yoghurt that much."
The next item was a bag of apples. There were at least nine apples in the bag. She didn't say "Someone likes apples," though.
Now I know that every time I pop into that shop, all the eyes of the staff will be on me and they'll be thinking, "There he is, Mr Nine Yoghurts."
Then if I buy even one yoghurt they're going to laugh at me. And if I don't buy any then they'll be thinking I'm getting a secret stash from somewhere else.

I wish we could return to the good old days, of anonymous, gigantic, non-local supermarkets.