Most
people don’t go on holiday to Warsaw Indiana, but I like to stay ahead of the
curve. I am a trendsetter and I want to encourage all you Metro readers to
follow me and book a fortnight’s break there. Just to freak out the people who
live there, mainly. “Where are all these British folk coming from? And why?”
Not
convinced you want to spend your hard-earned money on a trip to the world
centre for Orthopedic implants? Let me talk you into it. Warsaw doesn’t just
have a lazy field of abortion memorial and a statue of a man being non-plussed
at meeting a dead President, it has a museum with a collection of almost 30
unusual pencils and a display of old T shirts, one of which dates back to the
1990s.
I
genuinely had a good time: the people were friendly, the lake was beautiful
(though we were warned not to swim in it “at this time of year”) and it was
fascinating to get a taste of day-to-day life in “real” America.
And
look, all the stuff I have written about is not representative of Indiana or
its people. You just tend to notice the more extreme stuff when you’re away
from home.
Talking
of which, on our last day we visited an amazing candy and soda shop with shelf after shelf of chocolate bars,
sweets and fizzy pop. Amongst the Hershy’s Bars and Babe Ruths I found
something amazing: a single bottle of undescribed, brown drink, featuring a
cartoon of a wide-eyed Osama Bin Laden, which was called “Seal Ya Later”.
It
was good to see an historical event celebrated through the medium of a fizzy
syrupy beverage. They should have politically-incorrect colas for all
assassinations and atrocities.
Even
better, there was a joke on the bottle:
“Knock Knock.
Who’s
there?
America!"
I am not sure whether that exchange is a verbatim
account of what happened that fateful night, but I hope so. I like to
think the Navy Seals turned up with the joke all planned out. It did rely on
OBL saying “Who’s there?” but who could really resist that?
The
problem with the Seals’ joke, though, is that Osama Bin Laden might not say “Who’s
there?” and then they are just left downstairs knocking again and again, whilst
he makes good his escape. Navy Seals are like vampires. They can only come in
if invited. You have to respond to their knock knock joke or they’re screwed.
More
importantly, what if Bin Laden did say “Who’s there?” Then they deliver their
brilliant (if pre-planned) gag, “America”. Surely then Osama .Bin Laden would say,
“America who?"
And
the Seals are not prepared. They thought “America” would get a big enough
laugh. But the Al qaeda front man has called their bluff. Now they must think
up a topper on the spot. It looks like it should be easy, but not in the heat
of the moment. “A merry car is fun to drive”? Tumbleweed. Not funny enough for
this historical moment. “A mere Icarus”?
I
think Osama Bin Laden would counter, “There’s nothing mere about Icarus. He
could fly. And anyway it’s still scarcely a joke. Come back when you have a
proper punch line.”
I
am going to perpetuate the rumour that “Seal Ya Later” is the only soft drink
available in the US and that it is compulsory to drink it at all times and
anyone who doesn’t drink it is locked up in Guantanamo Bay for being
un-American. It’s not true. But I think we’ve all had enough of facts.
Rebellion is in the air, not because of Brexit and the
potential fudge the government might make of it or because the NHS is at
breaking point. What’s finally roused the people into action are a new phone
coming out without a traditional headphone jack and a cookery show moving to a
different TV channel. Thank goodness we have our priorities right. We can’t sit
back and let these things just wash over us, Britain.
