A few weeks ago I wrote about wanting to become
romantically entangled with Funella from Cbeebies’ “Furchester Hotel”. The
producer of the show then got in touch to ask if I would like to bring my
family to meet the stars of the show. Which was sending out mixed signals.
Ostensibly a nice day out for my daughter, Phoebe, but I had made it clear I
was a puppet sex pest… What would happen?
The show is filmed in Salford, which meant an eight
hour round trip in the car. But it was totally worth it. We were welcomed with
furry arms!
Whilst I looked around the hotel, wide-eyed at the
behind-the-scenes secrets, Phoebe became entranced by a Henry Hoover on the
studio floor. We were surrounded by all sorts of props and amazing characters,
but she couldn’t get over the vacuum cleaner. “We’ve got one of those at home,”
I told her, but that didn’t bother her. Looks like I could have saved a lot of petrol
money.
The first surprise for me was that the puppets are not
operated by human beings as I expected, but are all living creatures,
presumably mutated in some kind of nuclear accident in a carpet factory. The
first one we met was the husband of my object of desire, Fergus. Phoebe was a
bit reticent about approaching him and so was I. With good reason. Fergus has
quite a thick Scottish accent, so I might have misheard him, but it sounded
like he threatened my life if I came anywhere near his wife. I must have
imagined that.
Funella was a lot friendlier (and even more sexy in
real life than on screen) seeming flattered by my attentions. I began to
suspect that the Funella/Fergus marriage is a sham and they are staying
together for the sake of their TV show.
Astonishingly they film an entire episode in a day. I
suppose the BBC are happy to work them hard because they are made out of cloth.
We were then shown around some of the other
Cbeebies studios. We got to see where
they film the Bedtime Story studio. I was hoping against hope that I might meet
Rebecca or failing that Robert the Robot from Justin’s House might be
reprogrammed to be my special friend (If I can’t get Gemma Chan from Humans
then Robert will have to do). But pre-warned is pre-armed and I suspect they
were both safely locked up in the Cbeebies Panic Room.
Next we were brought downstairs to meet Justin. Phoebe
loves Mr Tumble so I was interested to see if she’d do her nut if she met him.
We had to wait for ages in a corridor, like we were waiting for a Hollywood
superstar. But Justin is bigger than Clooney and the delay just heightened the
excitement.
Eventually Justin emerged and said hello. Phoebe smiled
at him, but kept her cool. But then she fell over, as if attempting to give the
king of slapstick some new moves to try out. That’s just embarrassing.
Justin was a little frazzled so I appreciated him
making time for us. I feel sorry for him (as sorry as I can for a multi-millionaire).
It must be tough to be so recognisable to every child in the country and never
be allowed to tell your fans to eff off.
We then headed back to the Hotel set to get our photo
with the Furchester team. Funella nibbled my ear. I was right about her.
Totally up for it. It was nice for Phoebe to meet her future step-mum.
Today at the Edinburgh Fringe the nominees for the comedy
prizes will be announced. About a dozen comedians will be cock-a –hoop and
several hundred will be left feeling they have failed. But it’s all subjective
and it’s crazy to turn comedy into a competition. If you’re one of the
“losers”, don’t worry, none of my 39 Fringe shows were ever even nominated and
look how things turned out for me… oh right… um… good luck.
