As a comedian and minor TV and radio celebrity most of my time is spent worrying about the possibility of an insane fan becoming too obsessed with me and then deciding to stalk and kill me. It's an eventuality I try to prevent from ever happening by keeping my personal life very private, only choosing to publish a daily diary of my life and also a list of everything I ever eat on the internet. It's not like I am one of those people who try to encourage their mental stalkers and if you are a mental stalker, then stop it. It's mental. Plus there are a lot better minor celebrities to intimidate and scare with your psychotic behaviour. Don't waste your time on me.
But today I began to wonder if I have been directing my worries at the wrong people. In tonight's double recording of TWTTIN there was a fictional story-line about me and the character of TV's Emma Kennedy becoming bethrothed and then (look away now if you don't want to see a spoiler) getting married. Now clearly this was just a joke. Such a thing could never really happen no matter how much Emma and various members of my family might want it. If I was genuinely forced at gunpoint to shackle myself to this virago then the wedding could never be consummated. There are some things a man can not control. I love Emma Kennedy, it is true. But just as a friend and even if I was very drunk and she had a photo of Jenny Agutter from 1976's body put over her entire body I still could not perform my husbandly duties, though if we're both single when we're 50 then I will marry her, but just so I have someone to make my dinner when I am too old to do it myself.
But Emma seemed girlishly excited by the impending fictional nuptials and kept "jokily" claiming that they were legally binding. I laughed along, but at the back of my mind was a little worried. Emma has done many things in her long career and had many jobs that she has been incapable of holding down due to her mercurial nature (not good wife material you see) and she was a lawyer for several years, before deciding she'd rather make a living appearing on "Planet Mirth" (how her poor parents must have despaired). So I feared that maybe she had access to some legal nugget that would allow her to verify that our fantasy union was in fact genuine, thus giving her access to all my stuff and claims upon my house.
After the show in the bar, she continued her "joke", but if you looked into her eyes it was clear that she genuinely believed what she was saying and that she was delighted by our matrimony and that this was the happiest day of her life. All these years fearing the faceless unknown internet mentallist and yet in this moment I realised the real madwoman had ingratiated herself into my circle some twenty years ago.
After drinks Emma asked me to walk her to her car,which was conveniently parked opposite my house, claiming to be scared of the darkness of my road. But was she scared or was she just going to use that darkness to pounce upon me, extract my gametes (by use of some kind of Macsquirter twin syringe, she would never get them naturally), impregnate herself (be careful what you wish for) and then steal my keys and my house, leaving me out in the street to live in the little cupboard outside my cellar.
The last two decades could all have been leading up to this and tellingly I now so old and without options that I would almost be glad of it. At least then all my married friends and my mum and dad would have to shut up about me settling down and getting wed. Knowing my track record I am very likely to marry a mental anyway, so it might as well be a mental that I know so I have some parameters on her mentalness.
I am very confused.
So I am not sure whether I am officially married or not now. Luckily for the moment Emma just got in her car and drove away (perhaps momentarily forgetting the new arrangement), but she could be back any minute with her stuff.
And I have to consider the fact that subconsciously I
want to be married to Emma. After all I wrote the script. I came up with the idea. Is that what I truly want?
Or am I just trying to punish myself for something?
Roll on the merciful release of death.
