Brain age today = 23. Suck on that! My brain is young enough to my child's brain. Perhaps it is.
Walking down the Uxbridge Road this afternoon I saw a young man jogging towards me wearing a T-shirt which said "Give me head, til I'm dead" - a charming request to make to every single stranger that you meet.
Unfortunately he was running or I might have stopped him to ask about the parameters of the contract he was proposing as it was slightly confusing.
Was he requesting that I, a stranger, put his penis in my mouth and keep it there constantly until the day that this (fit looking) young man goes to meet his maker. I can't really see how that would benefit either of us. It would be very inconvenient to have to go about your life with a short fat man bent in front of you at all times, performing fellatio upon you. Just imagine how difficult it would be to jog for example, or swim or go skiiing or do anything in public without being arrested. It would be very tedious to be the oen administering the oral sex too and result in bad backs and sore knees and in all likelihood I think the giver was a lot more likely to die before the receiver, thus failing to fill this contract. To be honest I can't really see anyone entering into this arrangement, however much they liked the man in question (and hard to fall in love with a man with such poor taste that he chooses to wear this garment)- "I mean I like you Simon. I would be interested in sharing my life with you, but I think this 24 hour blow job thing might (ironically) drive a wedge between us. What about my needs? What about my knees? If we could negotiate this down to maybe "Give me head, at least once a day, until I am dead" then perhaps we could work with that. But what if you're really old and in a coma in hospital, would I still be contractually bound to suck your penis? Surely it would reflect badly on me if anyone saw me donig it - "Why are you fellating that comatose old man?" I imagine they might say."
Alternatively there is a more negative angle on the phrase. Perhaps the running man is terminally depressed and is actually requesting a kind of assisted suicide attempt. "Give Me Head, until I'm dead - I want you to suck my meat puppet constantly from ths moment on, until the point where the fellatio kills me." I think after a week of such behviour the human body would lose enough nutrients and become tired enough to expire. It would be a spectacular way to go. Maybe for the first hour it might be enjoyable enough to make you reconsider your decision, but after two or three days of constant oral sex then surely you would lose the will to continue. You'd be sore and spent and in quite a lot of discomfort and yet the sucking and slurping would continue on your tiny flaccid acorn.
Either way it's a stupid T-shirt. I wonder if anyone would argue with my racist conclusion that given the location of the man and the vulgar half-thought out slogan on his shirt, that the man was Australian? I have no other evidence than prejudice, but I bet I am correct.
I am not saying all Australians are like that, but just that anyone who is like that is likely to be the kind of person who would take revenge on the stingray race for their murder of Steve Irwin. It's a tiny proportion of your wonderful inhabitants, but you and I know that they exist.
Yes and there's no blokes like that in England right?
Ha ha ha ha ha.
